May 6, 2013/ / ARTICLES/ Comments: 123


1. The Shirtless Headphones Guy aka The Goon

– Must blast shitty music on headphones at all times.
– Must skate totally oblivious to you or anything else going on around him.
– Skullcandy or Dre Beats only.
– Optional T-shirt takeoff and crappy uncoordinated style.


2. The Benchwarmer

-“Skates” (rides around the park one time and then sits down to smoke cigarettes / txt people on his phone.)
-Must sit on bench or ledges and block you over and over again.
-Will spit on the ground and write dumb shit like “RYAN IZ LAME” on obstacles with black sharpie.
-Has nothing better to do.


3. The Sketchball

-Smoking weed or cigarettes highly recommended.
-Must not skateboard.
-Must sit around everyone else’s stuff and look sketchy / make skaters paranoid.
-May steal your iPod/Phone/Wallet and run as fast as he can.
-Will be caught and beat up by Koston.

ramp tramp

4. The Ramp Tramp

-Ages 13 – 17.
-Comes in all shapes and sizes: Pre-teen, Goth, Emo.
-Thinks “other girls suck”.

Skatepark Game Of SKATE

5. The Group of Kids That ONLY Play S.K.A.T.E.

-Ages 13 – 18.
-Will play SKATE at bottom of the miniramp, bowl, or next to an obstacle you want to skate.
-Must never actually skate the rest of the park.
-Get picked up by parents.

skate park kids ramps sliding

6. The Kids Who Slide Down The Ramps aka The Chucky Cheezes

-Ages 3 – 6.
-Must use entire skatepark like giant playground.
-Real playground must be very close.
-Must make you never want to have kids.


7. The Pre-Teen Scooter Kid aka The Twerp

-Ages 6 – 12.
-Must get in your way 99% of the time.
-Must only try quadruple tailwhips.
-Must wear helmet too big for head.
-Must look like an asshole.

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  1. BHK

    May 6, 2013 3:47 pm

    the kids playing SKATE got me laughing, too true

  2. carl

    May 6, 2013 4:17 pm

    11.1 the “one-upper” as soon as you show up the one upper appears, landing any and all tricks you try while warming up, and then after you’re warmed up he reappears to land whatever trick you are working on later.
    11.2 when the one-upper is not one-upping, and all newcomers to the skatepark have been sufficently one-upped he goes back to his usual role of “canadian fly out master” all airs done to flat.
    12. The “sketchy ass ghetto kid on sisters 10 speed”, when he is not getting in your way on his sisters bike, he asks you if you can kickflip and if he can ride your board, all with a snot bubble growing from his nose.
    13. “mini ramp champ”, the one dork who rides the shallow end of any bowl like a mini ramp, doing rock to fakies, tail taps, nose stall reverts and other kooky crap for no less than 3 minutes for each run.
    14. “rich kid with a camera” he’s the shit whistle draggin his foot doin his best to get into your way, followin his “ripper” buddy with a camera that cost his mom a weeks salary, filming 50-50s on ledges inside a fenced in skatepark..

  3. eric

    May 6, 2013 4:30 pm

    You forgot number 8.
    The old bowl guys…
    Ages 34 – 52.
    -Must go fast and turn left (like they are driving a damn nascar car)
    -Must say “i remember when…” a lot
    -Must wear a helmet because they realize that TBI’s are no fucking joke
    -Must always have a direct siteline to a freshly opened PBR
    -Must not give 2 shits about what their wives/bosses think about their “hobby”
    -Must be committed to a lifetime of limping
    -May indeed push mongo- and is gaurenteed to not care one damn bit about what you think about that

  4. jess

    May 6, 2013 4:38 pm

    yeah creepy old dude. 40+. despite the fact he’s been skating for longer than you’ve been alive he still can’t do shit. always has a back injury. just got instagram and constantly comments on pro skaters photos as if they’re gonna reply/bother to read it.

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