May 6, 2013/ / ARTICLES/ Comments: 123


1. The Shirtless Headphones Guy aka The Goon

– Must blast shitty music on headphones at all times.
– Must skate totally oblivious to you or anything else going on around him.
– Skullcandy or Dre Beats only.
– Optional T-shirt takeoff and crappy uncoordinated style.


2. The Benchwarmer

-“Skates” (rides around the park one time and then sits down to smoke cigarettes / txt people on his phone.)
-Must sit on bench or ledges and block you over and over again.
-Will spit on the ground and write dumb shit like “RYAN IZ LAME” on obstacles with black sharpie.
-Has nothing better to do.


3. The Sketchball

-Smoking weed or cigarettes highly recommended.
-Must not skateboard.
-Must sit around everyone else’s stuff and look sketchy / make skaters paranoid.
-May steal your iPod/Phone/Wallet and run as fast as he can.
-Will be caught and beat up by Koston.

ramp tramp

4. The Ramp Tramp

-Ages 13 – 17.
-Comes in all shapes and sizes: Pre-teen, Goth, Emo.
-Thinks “other girls suck”.

Skatepark Game Of SKATE

5. The Group of Kids That ONLY Play S.K.A.T.E.

-Ages 13 – 18.
-Will play SKATE at bottom of the miniramp, bowl, or next to an obstacle you want to skate.
-Must never actually skate the rest of the park.
-Get picked up by parents.

skate park kids ramps sliding

6. The Kids Who Slide Down The Ramps aka The Chucky Cheezes

-Ages 3 – 6.
-Must use entire skatepark like giant playground.
-Real playground must be very close.
-Must make you never want to have kids.


7. The Pre-Teen Scooter Kid aka The Twerp

-Ages 6 – 12.
-Must get in your way 99% of the time.
-Must only try quadruple tailwhips.
-Must wear helmet too big for head.
-Must look like an asshole.

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  1. anonymous

    May 6, 2013 7:19 pm

    the kid thats always trying to fight every body

  2. Roger

    May 6, 2013 8:30 pm

    -Wheres the “20 somethings that show up to the park, realize how stupid it is, and resort to a street ledge or the closest abandoned ditch.”
    -And the “Dude that made a DIY spot, yet still comes to this skatepark to complain how bad and uncreative it is”

    I guess thats me right there.

  3. billy

    May 6, 2013 9:56 pm

    Leave us old guys alone, if it wasn’t for us there wouldnt be skateparks, or the progression of the sport as you know it

  4. Mary Ann Parham

    May 6, 2013 11:05 pm

    Skate parents do NOT get lumped in with the Cheezers.

    We are parents truly in awe of what our offspring can do, and their friends. We never get bored or tired of seeing this amazing display of physical ability. We can’t believe any part of our genes was responsible for the talent. We can’t believe the guts and skill you so casually take for granted. We wish our bodies were coordinated enough to figure this stuff out….how to go airborne and carry a board with you. We can’t believe the sh*t you try and wouldn’t believe it if we didn’t see it for ourselves. Plus, it makes it easier to explain things at the ER. We feel privileged to watch this talent emerge, even before it’s at a competent level with a minimum if busted body parts. Once you guys get good, then it’s as thrilling as watching a pro hockey game and ballet combined. When you wipe out, our hearts land in our guts, just like yours. When you shake it off, we are so proud of you.

    But most of all, we wish we could do it too. So lump us in with the Benchwarmers. Total wannabees.

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