Skater_Headphones

1. The Shirtless Headphones Guy aka The Goon

– Must blast shitty music on headphones at all times.
– Must skate totally oblivious to you or anything else going on around him.
– Skullcandy or Dre Beats only.
– Optional T-shirt takeoff and crappy uncoordinated style.

skatepark_benchwarmer

2. The Benchwarmer

-“Skates” (rides around the park one time and then sits down to smoke cigarettes / txt people on his phone.)
-Must sit on bench or ledges and block you over and over again.
-Will spit on the ground and write dumb shit like “RYAN IZ LAME” on obstacles with black sharpie.
-Has nothing better to do.

SketchBall_Teenager_Jenkem_Smoking_Skatepark2

3. The Sketchball

-Smoking weed or cigarettes highly recommended.
-Must not skateboard.
-Must sit around everyone else’s stuff and look sketchy / make skaters paranoid.
-May steal your iPod/Phone/Wallet and run as fast as he can.
-Will be caught and beat up by Koston.

ramp tramp

4. The Ramp Tramp

-Ages 13 – 17.
-Comes in all shapes and sizes: Pre-teen, Goth, Emo, or just pure White Trash.
-Will flirt with everyone at the skatepark but not actually do anything.
-Thinks “other girls suck”.
-Attention whore.

Skatepark Game Of SKATE

5. The Group of Kids That ONLY Play S.K.A.T.E.

-Ages 13 – 18.
-Will play SKATE at bottom of the miniramp, bowl, or next to an obstacle you want to skate.
-Must never actually skate the rest of the park.
-Get picked up by parents.

skate park kids ramps sliding

6. The Kids Who Slide Down The Ramps aka The Chucky Cheezes

-Ages 3 – 6.
-Must use entire skatepark like giant playground.
-Real playground must be very close.
-Must make you never want to have kids.

skatepark_scooter_suck

7. The Pre-Teen Scooter Kid aka The Twerp

-Ages 6 – 12.
-Must get in your way 99% of the time.
-Must only try quadruple tailwhips.
-Must wear helmet too big for head.
-Must look like an asshole.

Comments

  1. Berra

    January 9, 2018 5:16 pm

    Why is nothing Jenkem wrote funny? I think it’s supposed to be funny

    Reply
  2. Hot Water

    July 30, 2019 11:07 am

    Shout out Nat & Dom. 2 Pro Razor Rats from Stratford Upon Avon, UK. They are so huge they made it to the cover of this article

    Reply
  3. that one kid

    May 25, 2021 3:26 pm

    your forgot about the
    -trendy skater faggot that spends his time at the skatepark getting clips then goes home, he does the same shittty tricks, and he thinks he is exclusive and superior to everyone else because he has a “high instagram following”
    -the mid 30’s guy who does “stocks” for a living, owns a motorcycle, complete douchebag, wears sunglasses at the skatepark, comes time to time doing a shitty line that contains a small boardslide shitty pop shuv and rocket kickflip. Wears swimming trunks as shorts, with a ripcurl, hurley, or volcom shirt. Built like a semi buff softie.

    -the rocker foo skater who listens to alice in chains and some ear rape heavy metal shit, does fatt kickflips down five stair, other than that he despises every other skater, he loves dylan rieder. Wears some semi goth clothing.

    -the etnies skater fagg, wears baggy pants with super tight belts, wears fucking awesome, wears hockey because “everyone else wears it”, pretends not to know you because he thinks his 1,000 followers makes him a celebrity, the only tricks this kid does is impossibles, frontside flips, late shuvs, and disgusting tre flips where he lands with his two feet together. This kid probably makes edits using rappers like lil 1 shorty, chief keef, and some weird underground soundcloud rapper.

    -the shredder that has every grind trick in the book but his flatground is shitty, he listens to underground soundcloud rappers like, thouxanbanfauni, lil shorty, playboi carti, chief keef, lil uzi vert, 10 cell phones, Tay K, and trippie red.

    -the trendy kid wannabe, this kid started skating at 12, he dick rides burberry.erry, anthony.skates, bryan arnett, joeyskates10, and marc cartier. This kid probably dyed his hair because some trendy instagram skater did too. This kid listens to the same songs these trendy skaters make edits with. This kid also wears thrasher, dickies nursing pants, thrasher pink hoodie, probably throws up peace signs when he takes a picture. His instagram profile has somewhat of a <3 variation in his profile.

    -the trendy skater that realized he has no chance of getting sponsored, so he starts filming like @fuckdude or @williamstrobeck. This kid also wears a pink thrasher hoodie along with vans slip on shoes. Has a camera but films your feet and face individually.

    -”the christain skater”, believes in Jesus Christ, stays away from weed but smokes nicotine time to time, skates a 8.5 or bigger deck, probably has some variation of “1 Corinthians 13:4-8” in his instagram profile along with some cross emojis. This kid is decent at skateboarding, and if he is not decent then he is a shredder. AKA( Jesse Flores ).

    -the black skater that does extremely fat shuvs, when you play him in a game of skate he does no comply variations, has a random bag of tricks that are surprisingly clean, gets drunk at the skatepark, smokes low quality weed, has a big glass of crown royale in his backpack, smells like B.O, says words like finna, slim shady, sheesh, beef, yall, etc.

    -the guys that only skates bowl and does huge airs, wears some fucking awesome, or he wears slim dickies pants.

    Reply
  4. Foster

    June 8, 2021 9:44 pm

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    Reply

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