Every sport has its own version of bombing.
Think of boxers who talk a bunch of shit in pre-fight press conferences and get smoked in the first round, or basketball players who miss wide-open layups on a breakaway. In skating, the closest equivalent we could think of is eating absolute shit in public.
We’re not talking about taking on a 10-stair and getting tossed. There’s still a level of deserved respect there. We’re talking about the botched ollie up the curb in front of a group of hotties that ends in a slam. We’re concerned with the pie-in-face, tail between the legs, “got the coffee” level fall that makes you wish you could retreat into your shell like a frightened turtle.
We know everyone has experienced something like this, and looking back on it, you probably remember your reaction being more cringe-worthy than the slam itself. Whether you turn red-faced with shame or full of rage is up to you, but we’ve compiled a list of options to weaken the blow of your next embarrassing slam.
After slamming, launch into a monologue about the overwhelming pain you are feeling. If done right, your slam should feel like the day Julius Caesar got betrayed and stabbed to death by his faithful servants. Make sure to use words like “hath” and “thou” to get the full effect. For the advanced thespian, try faking a tear. Really sell it, and with some luck, you should get a standing ovation.
For under $40, you can cop some top-of-the-line smoke pellets from Amazon, and while they were made for testing smoke alarms, they also function as a magicians tool for disappearing. After you slam, throw one on the ground and fade into a cloud of mystery, leaving people to ponder whether you were ever there to begin with and saving you from further embarrassment.
Turn your slam into a confusing spectacle and have some fun with it. Anything you can think of to shock the onlooker is good. Scream at the top of your lungs about how much you love it. If you’re bleeding, lick that shit up like Ozzy Ozborne. Channel your inner Gravette vs. kink rail emotions. Rev up and slam again, only harder.
The Dr. Strange
Technically, if the multiverse is real, there is a reality exactly the same as ours which you never slammed in to begin with. It only took Strange a couple of years to master the art of hopping realities, so if you have enough free time, this might be worth checking out. If you figure it out, do me a favor and find a reality where I feel like less of a dork writing this.
In theory, if you play dead people will leave you alone, so lay still and don’t answer the “Are you alright?!” questions. Soon enough the people around you will get bored and go about their day. Be mindful with this technique, because, after further research, possums usually play dead anywhere from 40 minutes to 4 hours, so if you have something else to do that day this is not the way to go.
Got some extra cash? Offer to take the onlookers who saw you slam out to lunch and spare no cost. Extra guac? Sure. Margaritas? Why not! Once you’ve lubed them up, make them swear to not talk about the incident. This works especially well if the spectators are broke, because if they don’t swear to secrecy you can show them the bill and send some @Venmo requests. That’s sure to shut them up.
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Enjoy episode 2 of our new series that finds out what things skaters secretly fan out on (besides kickflips and pants).
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I hit up physical therapist Dr. Kyle Brown for some insight on whether or not our height plays a noticeable role in how we skate.
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PREMIERE: VIVIEN FEIL AND SOY PANDAY IN MAGENTA’S “JUST CRUISE II”
We hope to skate half as good as these dudes when we are in our 40s.
HOW CHAD CARUSO SKATED ACROSS AMERICA
Chad did it the way most skateboarders would: independently and without much of a plan.
May 3, 2023 6:07 pm
Only acceptable option = yell curse words as loud as you can. Focus your board. Make everyone uncomfortable. Make the scooter kids and soccer moms question their decision. Skateboarding has been missing this for too long. This is how I came up, and I know it’s frowned on. Get over it.
May 27, 2023 7:42 am
this is correct
May 4, 2023 1:09 pm
this is a great observation on so many levels. I have seen all these played out at one time or another while skating and have acted out a few myself. Excellent!
May 4, 2023 9:37 pm
Nitpicking here, but Caesar wasn’t killed by “his faithful servants”. Even better…
May 6, 2023 5:21 pm