October 2, 2011/ / ARTICLES/ Comments: 20


What happens when suburban white guys take tribal worship too far? Street kids. Who are street kids? They’re assholes.

From a distance, a street kid appears like any other bum: dirty clothes, matted hair, a rucksack with their few possessions. But as you approach, and probably only moments before the proprietary blend of questions: “Spare a dollar?”, “Got a cig?”, “Can I have your leftovers?”, you may notice straight teeth, a fair complexion, Doc Martins, and other relics of the street kid’s former suburban self. Perhaps even a MacBook is stuffed in his backpack—because how else can he update his “Livn Phree” blog?

Before you can muster a “fuck off”, he’s walking next to you telling a fabricated sob story, or if you’re especially unlucky, he’s already begun playing a tune on his guitar. You cross the street, but–son of a bitch–he’s right behind you bellowing Bob Marley as his blonde dreadlocks flop around like dried turds in a windstorm. When he’s finished spouting his aural diarrhea, you can expect to owe him at least a dollar, because, “I gotta live, man.” So go home, shit head.

The street kid didn’t earn his homelessness through psychosis, poor financial decisions or a respectable drug addiction. He simply packed his bags and hit the cul-de-sac following an argument with his parents about his “lifestyle” or some other First World non-problem. “I don’t need any of this stuff, mom.” Now he’s out to prove something, though I’m not sure what and I doubt he does either. Nothing will keep him from his goal, whatever that may be. Nothing. Except maybe winter, lack of food and shelter, or the realization that being homeless is fucking terrible.

Provided he doesn’t get shanked, or raped and murdered, the street kid will eventually retreat to his parents tudor outside the city. He’ll curl into his bed and reflect on his spectacularly useless existence, one so void of meaning, a hippie would even call him a lazy low-life.

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  1. Jim

    June 9, 2016 4:10 am

    I know I’m reading this article and comments 2-3 years after but reading above article “Street Kids Are Assholes” by which I totally agree. (& anyone who has lived in any College Town for any period of time will to *especially in Austin, TX)
    Any how I don’t give a shit if you grew up in abject poverty, Upper-Middle-Lower Class or even in a 3rd World Country, unless you strive to do better and get out of the hood “poverty” you are fucking trash and you will always be fucking trash whatever color you are. If your so complacent to want to remain poor without some sort of extinguiating circumstances keeping you hem’ed up for a min so you truly can’t turn things around financially/emotionally you’re a fucking shit stain a disgrace. All this PC Shit (Madness/Hysteria) whatever you wanna call it has to stop or somebody’s gettin a dick in the mowf. If you’re an Adult and you get easily offended invest in some ear plugs/muffs b/c “You’re a Giant Fucking Pussy!!!” Grow Up if your offended by some one else’s speech be a MAN/WOMAN & tell them you don’t have to be a Puritanical Dick about it, but you damn sure don’t run off the the Boss or H.R. Tattle you fucking goon. I’m not sorry for my rant b/c there are to many
    Whiney PC Sycophant Tools out there that need to hear it so last time
    “Man the FUCK UP, YOU Whiney little bitches, b/c shit isn’t always gonna go your way and sometimes life is a shit sandwich and we all have to take a bite, but a Man takes a bite without complaining and moves the fuck on b/c shit gets better when you make it happen by your action & will power.

  2. Rob

    September 4, 2017 11:47 pm

    Skating and being crusty is synonymous like Lenny Rivas having awesome steez and being gangster just two different styles. whoever wrote this article probably got his board jacked. hahaha

  3. Johnny Carcinogen

    February 8, 2018 3:28 pm

    Fuck u classist scum. Do u not realize ur writing for fucking jenkem? U speak of rich kid trust fund posers. Most crusties ive met are lower class punks that come from shitty homelives surrounded by meth and broken dreams. Ur logic is flawed and presumptuous . If all crusties are rich kid posers, is every single skateboarder a poser? Up yours. Up the punx. Im out

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