Everyone wants to have their face known, but nobody wants to put in the work. I’m guilty of thinking like that too. That’s why I decided to start vlogging. It’s not that much work, and you’ll be instantly recognized by the 13-year-olds at the park. So for you lazy bums who are ready to kook yourselves out for free product, I’m going to tip you off on some hacks and cheat codes to become the next skate vlog superstar.

Get the gear

To start you’re going to want to drop some money on a highly reviewed mirrorless camera and mic. This is an important step because if your equipment isn’t up to snuff, you’re not going to get any help from the other vloggers in the community. It’s a tight-knit group, and when it comes to camera gear it’s all they fucking talk about.

Eventually, if you make it big time, you’ll become a brand ambassador for Sony or Nikon. The only thing you’ll have to do is make multiple videos about your setup while telling people that Nikon is the best for capturing your trips to the coffee shop or just walking around the city.

If the brand likes you enough they might even send you on a retreat with other vloggers outside of skating. You won’t experience anything real there, but it’ll make for good content.

Chill on the skating

Your skating should only make up 10-20% of even your most skate-centric vlogs. Only film your warm-ups and maybe a bail or two for good measure. And ditch any of your old skate rat friends, especially ones who say, “Yo, stop filming me all the time, dude.”

Instead of filming tricks, film yourself getting coffee, pushing through the bike lane, talking to random people on the streets, and showing off your studio that you swear you can afford with your YouTube money.

Talk to your audience like they’re your 10-year-old nephew

Now that you’ve ditched your degenerate friends and started hanging with the most boring crew imaginable, you’re going to want to curb any profanity. The less you curse the more likely someone from the Braille camp will hit you up, and the more likely you are to reach super-YouTube stardom.

Here’s an English-to-Ned Flanders translator. Use it whenever you get a shinner and want to yell “fuck!”

Start listening to elevator music

You’re going to want to keep the focus on you and not what’s playing in the background, so get familiar with really forgettable music. Based on other skate vlog success stories, royalty-free electronic music is going to work perfectly.

Fake it till you make it

After you’ve gotten rid of shame you’re ready to simp for free bikes, cameras, clothing, and anything else you can promo on your vlog.

It sounds like being a sponsored skater, but I can assure you it’s much more degrading.

Obviously, these brands aren’t going to ship any ol’ vlogger free stuff, so you’re going to need to prove that you have the numbers. I would suggest that you buy YouTube subscribers, comment sub for sub on every single video you watch, and make every family member you have on Facebook subscribe to your account.

After you hit about 5k subs, you’re ready to reach out to that ethically-sourced hard kombucha company.

Plan “original” content

It’s really hard to come up with daily, or semi-daily episodes. It’s so hard some people might even tell you to stop doing it because it’s pointless. But rather than listening to the haters, you should try any of these ideas that have been known to work for vloggers everywhere:
– Ride around the city on your new electric skateboard or bike
– Climb to the top of a tall building or bridge
– Take trick requests and only pick the easy ones
– Explore an abandoned building and pretend to be scared

Slang cheap merch

To pay some bills, you’ll probably need to start making T-shirts with a catchphrase that you say all the time. Here are a few free options to get you off and running: “Skate. Coffee. Vlog.” or “Don’t skate me because you ain’t me.” For more edge maybe even try “Your girl subscribed to my channel last night.”

Eventually, if you do everything right, Zumiez will start buying your shirts in bulk and you’ll be finding yourself in the upper-echelon of vlogging. You’ll be contributing to the surplus of clothing and content the world already has.

See you at 100k, baby!

Comments

  1. Welcome to Hell

    March 5, 2021 2:44 pm

    I wish this was an exaggeration…

    Reply
    • Jump Off a Building

      March 8, 2021 1:39 pm

      Youse forgot the thumbnails! Superimpose your face in front of a thing, with your mouth open. Alemeda’s most INSANE POSER!!! WOOOOOAAAAHH!!

      Reply
  2. skatebeer

    March 5, 2021 2:58 pm

    “It sounds like being a sponsored skater, but I can assure you it’s much more degrading.”

    much more = slightly less

    Reply
  3. i am a loser

    March 5, 2021 3:11 pm

    not sure how I feel about this… it’s like all too obvious to put that much commentary on such an unimportant part of the culture? I now know too much now about something I didn’t want to know that much about? You’re above this jenkem? I dunno who the fuck am i.

    Reply
  4. Pastel

    March 5, 2021 9:09 pm

    The ultimate skateboarding taboo of the last decade. Everybody know them, but will never talk about them

    Reply

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