To quote the great Ryan Liston, by and large this magazines finest contributor, “It happens to all of us at some point.” One day, you’re just minding your own business, perhaps walking to a local shop or taking a quick nap at the library, and out of nowhere you have a massive boner. Don’t panic! There are ways around this inconvenient consequence of your day to day grind.

The Cocktail

Way to go, dude! That girl you’ve been pestering for weeks on end about a date finally gave in. There’s no margin for error, you’ve got to keep the conversation going long enough to…oh no. A boner? Now? How cruel can the gods be? Get a hold of yourself, man! Here’s whatcha do: When she gets up to go to the bathroom (and there is a 98% chance she will do so), simply place your napkin over your crotch and, very subtly, place your cold beverage between your legs. Boner be gone! Penises hate cold.

The Whoopi Goldberg

This ones pretty self explanatory. Just think about Whoopi Goldberg (or any other unattractive celebrity) and, poof, no more boner. The only drawback to this method would have to be thinking about Whoopi Goldberg…. This can be torture, even for a slight moment.

The Illusionist

Not the best woody ensconcing technique, but it works for some people. Essentially, you jut your hands out in your pockets, thus pushing the crotch of your pants outwards and creating the illusion of being a boner-free individual.

The Waistband

This concealment method is probably the most effective, but tricky to pull off in a smooth manner. Basically, you flip your boner in to your waistband, thus concealing it underneath your shirt. The hard part (no pun intended) if the actual execution of the “boner flip”. Experts familiar with this technique can properly do this in one swift motion, barely noticeable to the naked eye.

The Sigmund Freud

This one, like its namesake, is entirely in your head. Now, at this point, I’m sure you’re completely losing your shit because you have this unprovoked erection. You have a huge business meeting in, like, 10 minutes, dude! Freud had something to say about just this very sort of situation. Apparently, while all men have an actual phallus, no man has the “symbolic phallus”, which in essence is the purest form of all boners. So to sum it up, you really need not worry about your “boner” because you don’t really have one. Think about that for a minute, and I guarantee your unwanted erectile issues will be solved.

The Beatdown

This is by far the most extreme method of boner concealment, and should only be used in the direst of circumstances. To put it lightly, you punch yourself as hard as possible square in the junk, completely terminating your boner. Mission accomplished!

Words: Wolf Reynolds
Original Illustration: Michael Giurato