Since the dawn of Thrasher and Transworld, writers have used phrases like, “Certified legend” or “On and off the board” hundreds, if not thousands of times. Hell, we’ve even fallen victim to them from time to time. But what do they really mean, and why does the skateboard media keep repeating them like moronic Cavemen?

To help you out, we compiled the most blatant verbal violators and decoded them for you all to understand. Now, the next time you run across one of these sentence fillers, you’ll know what they really mean, and if you dream of working in the skateboard industry, just sprinkle around these 7 phrases below and you’ll sound like a “skate linguist” in no time!

“Lets his/her skating do the talking”

Example: “[Jamie Palmore] obviously lets his skating do the talking, and this line through downtown San Diego is one in a million.”

Translation: When a writer can’t pry more than stoney one-sentence answers out of a skateboarder, they use this as a bland way to say, “Hey, this skater sure can skate but they sure as fuck can’t assemble a complete sentence. Oh well, at least they rip!”

“Certified legend”

Example: “Let’s rewind to the year 2005 when Chima [Ferguson] unleashed this part that still drops jaws in 2018—hammers upon hammers. We can’t wait for his new part in the upcoming Vans vid. Certified LEGEND”

Translation: Whoever’s been handing out these certificates really needs to stop. If you ever stepped on a skateboard in the ’70s or ’80s, smoked crack, or aren’t too shy to milk the clout from your 10+ year-old video part, congratulations…you’re a certified legend, brah! Apparently skateboarding is made up of 50% certified legends, 50% new jacks, and no one in between.

“On and off the board”

Example: “Earning the respect of her peers, both on and off the board, Nora [Vasconcellos] shares the experiences that have shaped her life.”

Translation: Maybe the most meaningless wordplay a skateboard writer has ever come up with. Writers revert to this when they can’t think of a single thing to say about a skateboarder other than the fact that they skate and aren’t total degenerate assholes.

“Do(es) it for the love”

Example: “Taking It To The Street for the Love of Skateboarding”

Translation: Just a nicer way of saying, “This person will never be properly hooked up or paid a living wage to skate.”

[Synonym: “Do(es) it for the homies”]

“Stoke(d) your/him/her-self out”

Example: “This [Canasta] video just stokes us out, plain and simple.”

Translation: Writers use this gem when they’re stuck coming up with 500 words to fill out a formulaic article they’re being paid to run by the mag’s advertisers. They usually have nothing unique to say about the clip or photos except they’re boring as fuck it totally gets them pumped, man!

“Partying”

Example: “When you were partying, what were you doing exactly?”

Translation: When anyone in the industry doesn’t want to (or is obligated not to) admit when someone dabbles in hard drugs, the writer can whitewash the situation with this non-secret secret.

Everyone knows the real breakdown:
– partying = cocaine and / or every intoxicating substance under the sun
– used to party = currently just sticking to beer, weed, and maybe some occasional hallucinogens
– sober = no intoxicants whatsoever (but all the turmeric juice you can handle)

“Pro as fuck”

Example: “Congrats @samarriabrevard! PRO AS FUCK for @enjoi”

Translation: Meaningless padding to a simple factual statement. Can someone only be “kinda pro” or “super goddamn pro”? Don’t be surprised if desperate writers start throwing out “am as hell” or “flow as shit” soon.

Comments

  1. Nick

    May 21, 2018 3:29 pm

    You guys are the first thing in skateboarding worth reading since big brother.

    Reply
  2. ThommygunzZ

    May 21, 2018 4:06 pm

    “Decoding skateboarding” an article written by a 2nd rate skateboarding magazine with an even lower quality staff. Criticizing more successful magazines for actually doing real interviews with skaters and creating filler statements in their articles to meet publishing guidelines. Yet this article in entirety was written to fill space because their creative staff still “likes to party” more then it likes to actually write about skateboarding to meet publishing guidelines. Thanks for opening my eyes!

    Reply
    • Michael Stipe

      May 22, 2018 5:29 am

      Sounds like a corporate analysis of punk.

      Reply
    • Phake Jelps

      May 23, 2018 4:09 pm

      *than, not then

      A little closer attention and you’ll be a great literary critic in no time, sport.

      Reply
    • fasfsa

      June 3, 2018 11:07 pm

      Jenkem actually has some good interviews that aren’t just “so, what are you doing right now?” with the obvious answer “just skating and trying to be healthy” or some bullshit like that.

      Reply
  3. Billscrogs

    May 21, 2018 7:32 pm

    Skates purely for the homies

    Reply
  4. 2 cents

    May 21, 2018 10:00 pm

    Astonished no one has criticize you yet. Jenkem, carbon copy of vice but with less original content and astonishingly worser writing.

    Reply
    • Sichael Mipe

      May 22, 2018 5:35 am

      Although I don’t agree with what you’re saying, I will defend to the death your right to seek out betterer writing.

      Reply