Summer’s quickly approaching, and nothing is more synonymous with a mid-day summer skate than swamp ass. If you are unfamiliar with the term, here’s a few ways to know if it has affected you personally: Your pop feels weighed down by 10 pounds of sweat-soaked denim and sitting on your board resulted in a Picasso-esque outline of your cheeks and crack.
Unfortunately, I am not here to offer a solution, and growing up in Florida taught me it’s easier to embrace the swamp than fight it. However, after watching hours of footage staring at skaters’ asses I can offer a few takeaways; try and film your clips frontside, avoid khakis at all costs, and wearing shorts doesn’t guarantee anything.
To try and make you feel better about your impending dampness, I’ve gathered a list of clips highlighting the best of this summer phenomenon.
THE KHAKI CLASSIC
Danny Renaud, Mosaic
Danny is a staple of the early 2000s khaki warriors, and I knew if I watched enough footage I’d find a prime example of swamp ass. I got excited when I saw Danny’s title card showing the mossy oaks of Florida’s humid streets and three minutes into Habitat’s “Mosaic” I found a true gem.
THE LOADED DIAPER
Chris Joslin, “Ode to London”
Chris Joslin is somewhat of a serial offender in this category, and the combination of his short stature and baggy khakis led to a case of the damp diaper in this one. Hey Ethika, make my man some moisture-wicking underwear already!
THE HUMID HOG
Blake Carpenter, “Push” part
Blake’s a Florida legend, and while he’s relocated to California being a part of this list proves one thing: you can leave the swamp but the swamp never leaves you. I’m used to seeing wild boars in Florida’s marshes, but this is my first time seeing Blake’s humid hog.
THE SOGGY BACKSIDE
Forrest Kirby, STATIC
This clip has it all. A low angle, frontside boardslide, massive hubba, and bright filmer flash. Add in a low-pressure system moving up the coast and we’d have a perfect swamp ass storm on our hands. I just hope Forrest celebrated his late-night clip with a late-night shower.
THE DUNK TANK
Bobby Worrest, “LOOKS OK TO ME”
What happened here, Bobby? Did you lose a bet and have to get dunked or are these actually board shorts and you just got done with the backstroke? Whatever the reason, I have to respect it. Nike, please add Bobby to the swim roster.
THE GOAT DRIP
Anthony Van Engelen, Photosynthesis
The rolled-up pant leg, the David Bowie mix of an Iggy Pop classic, the perfect switch 5-0 180 (at the start of this line). I should leave this clip out of the list, but damn, this video had some seriously damp moments. It seems capri pants do nothing for airflow.
Luan Oliveira, “Lost & Found”
Luan’s outfit reminds me of what I looked like after attending my high school’s homecoming dance; drenched in sweat in my best church clothes. I guess grinding to Lil John is comparable to a long day of street skating.
Trevor Thompson, Street Fighters 2
Just when Trevor thought he was gonna get away with it the nollie flick revealed a perfect landing strip of sweat, making this clip something I’ve dubbed the peekaboo. While this may make you think of the childhood game, I urge you to keep the kids at home.
SAOTY- SWAMP ASS OF THE YEAR
Ishod Wair, “Ishod”
“Wet,” is a term used to describe a trick done effortlessly and is often brought up in Ishod’s skating, but for the point of this list, I’m going to use the term to describe his soggy shorts. 2023 fashion Ishod would never let this happen.
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May 21, 2023 10:46 pm
This whole article is paaaauuuuseee my boys