The other day I was riding an elevator up to my homie’s apartment when, all of a sudden, the lights flickered and my little lift jerked to a sudden stop. I waited patiently in the corner and lamented my circumstances.
Why didn’t I just make my fat ass walk the 5 flights of steps up to my friend’s place? About twenty minutes in I realized I was starting to go stir crazy. I needed something to occupy my mind while I waited to be rescued, so I started thinking about how things could be worse. Sure, I was trapped all alone in an elevator and desperately had to pee, but at least I wasn’t stuck there with an eccentric professional skater.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, and I didn’t want to get caught jerking it on CCTV, so I pulled out a pen and jotted down some imagined conversations I’d be having if my nightmares came true and I was in fact stuck there with one of these maniacs.
You: Did you feel that?
Forrest Edwards: Feel what?!? I ain’t fuckin gay!
You: What? No. I think the elevator is stuck!
Forrest Edwards: Duh. Of course the elevator is fuckin stuck. What you think?!
You: Maybe there is an emergency button we can push or something…
Forrest Edwards: Fuck that! Pushing buttons is gay.
Forrest Edwards: I ain’t stuck in no fucking elevator. I put out two parts in one year. Being stuck in elevators is gay. Duh.
You: *cowering in the corner, frightened*
You: Oh no! We’re trapped in this elevator. What do we do?
Jereme Rogers: *starts whispering rap lyrics to himself*
You: Wow. I can’t believe I’m stuck in a broken elevator with Jereme Rogers…
Jereme Rogers: The name’s J….Casa….Nova. You smell me?
Jereme Rogers: You should smell me. That’s a million dollar cologne… and I bathe in it!
Jereme Rogers: Daaaaaaamn!
You: *looking around desperately for a way out*
Jereme Rogers: *starts undressing* Put your girlfriend on the phone! I’m not gonna say it again.
You: Um, J, did you happen to eat shrooms earlier today?
Jereme Rogers: *starts quietly rapping about Magnum brand condoms*
You: *looking around desperately for a way to kill yourself*
You: I think the elevator has sto- Holy shit! You’re Mike Vall-ey!
Mike Vallely: *sighs*
You: I watch your old Powell parts all the time.
Mike Vallely: *clenches fists*
You: Remember that awesome farm graphic from when you were on World Industries?
Mike Vallely: *grinds teeth and starts to breathe heavy*
You: I used to have a TV Skateboards shirt back in, like, 1990. Tell me again how many companies you’ve started.
Mike Vallely: *suddenly pulls your shirt over your head and starts to pummel you*
You: Shit! The elevator has stopped.
Neckface: *immediately whips out can of spray paint and starts painting the wall*
You: I’m not sure you should be doing that.
Neckface: *laughs at you, continues painting*
You: Dude, I think the fumes are making me lightheaded.
Neckface: *stops painting for a minute, pulls his dick out and pees in the corner, continues painting*
You: Not cool, man!
Neckface: *spraypaints the words “not cool man” on the wall*
You: *nearly passes out from aerosol fumes and urine smell*
Neckface: *pulls out lighter, makes blowtorch out of spray paint,
You: *your life passes before your eyes – it sucked*
You: I think the elevator has stopped.
Ed Templeton: *starts rummaging around in backpack*
You: Whatcha looking for, Ed?
Ed Templeton: Maybe while we’re stuck here you can help me with an art project.
You: *getting nervous* Um, OK… I guess.
Ed Templeton: *takes giant sex toy out of his backpack* Here, hold this while I take your picture.
You: I’m not really comfortable with this.
Ed Templeton: *taking picture with his cell phone* Good, let’s go with that. Yeah, that’s it, make love to the camera.
Ed Templeton: You know, I think this would work much better if you took your clothes off.
You: *shocked and horrified, yet strangely aroused*
You: I don’t think we’re moving.
Andy Roy: *big, creepy smile on his face* Fuck no, Bro!
You: What are we gonna do?
Andy Roy: *inexplicably starts moshing* I think we can get this fuckin thing moving if we run back and forth and jump up and down.
You: I don’t think that’s a good idea!
Andy Roy: *punches self repeatedly in face* Yeah, muthafucker! You stuck in here with Spider now!
You: Help! Anybody, please, help me!
Andy Roy: * suddenly sticks finger down throat and vomits*
You: *screaming in fear*
Andy Roy: *bloody, covered in vomit, having a great time*
THE FRONT BLUNT HAT IS BACK… AGAIN
We know we sound like the boy who cried wolf but this might, just might, be the last chance to get your hands on one.
A CHAT WITH LUDVIG HAKANSSON, THE OLDEST SOUL IN SKATEBOARDING
The man loves to read Nietzche, skates in some expensive vintage gear, and paints in his own neoclassical-meets-abstract-expressionist style.
TYLER BLEDSOE ON TATTOOING, PORTLAND, AND THE HEROIC DOSE
"I kind of realized skating ruined me in that way and I couldn’t do anything normal afterward."
“CHROME ZONE” IS THE LATEST NYC HOMIE VIDEO YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT
Babe, stop Cyber Monday shopping, there's a new Sam Zentner video.
SKATERS RECOMMEND THEIR FAVORITE SKATE PANTS
We hit up some pro skaters and Jenkem contributors known for their 'fits to offer recommendations.