The other day I was riding an elevator up to my homie’s apartment when, all of a sudden, the lights flickered and my little lift jerked to a sudden stop. I waited patiently in the corner and lamented my circumstances.
Why didn’t I just make my fat ass walk the 5 flights of steps up to my friend’s place? About twenty minutes in I realized I was starting to go stir crazy. I needed something to occupy my mind while I waited to be rescued, so I started thinking about how things could be worse. Sure, I was trapped all alone in an elevator and desperately had to pee, but at least I wasn’t stuck there with an eccentric professional skater.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, and I didn’t want to get caught jerking it on CCTV, so I pulled out a pen and jotted down some imagined conversations I’d be having if my nightmares came true and I was in fact stuck there with one of these maniacs.
You: Did you feel that?
Forrest Edwards: Feel what?!? I ain’t fuckin gay!
You: What? No. I think the elevator is stuck!
Forrest Edwards: Duh. Of course the elevator is fuckin stuck. What you think?!
You: Maybe there is an emergency button we can push or something…
Forrest Edwards: Fuck that! Pushing buttons is gay.
Forrest Edwards: I ain’t stuck in no fucking elevator. I put out two parts in one year. Being stuck in elevators is gay. Duh.
You: *cowering in the corner, frightened*
You: Oh no! We’re trapped in this elevator. What do we do?
Jereme Rogers: *starts whispering rap lyrics to himself*
You: Wow. I can’t believe I’m stuck in a broken elevator with Jereme Rogers…
Jereme Rogers: The name’s J….Casa….Nova. You smell me?
Jereme Rogers: You should smell me. That’s a million dollar cologne… and I bathe in it!
Jereme Rogers: Daaaaaaamn!
You: *looking around desperately for a way out*
Jereme Rogers: *starts undressing* Put your girlfriend on the phone! I’m not gonna say it again.
You: Um, J, did you happen to eat shrooms earlier today?
Jereme Rogers: *starts quietly rapping about Magnum brand condoms*
You: *looking around desperately for a way to kill yourself*
You: I think the elevator has sto- Holy shit! You’re Mike Vall-ey!
Mike Vallely: *sighs*
You: I watch your old Powell parts all the time.
Mike Vallely: *clenches fists*
You: Remember that awesome farm graphic from when you were on World Industries?
Mike Vallely: *grinds teeth and starts to breathe heavy*
You: I used to have a TV Skateboards shirt back in, like, 1990. Tell me again how many companies you’ve started.
Mike Vallely: *suddenly pulls your shirt over your head and starts to pummel you*
You: Shit! The elevator has stopped.
Neckface: *immediately whips out can of spray paint and starts painting the wall*
You: I’m not sure you should be doing that.
Neckface: *laughs at you, continues painting*
You: Dude, I think the fumes are making me lightheaded.
Neckface: *stops painting for a minute, pulls his dick out and pees in the corner, continues painting*
You: Not cool, man!
Neckface: *spraypaints the words “not cool man” on the wall*
You: *nearly passes out from aerosol fumes and urine smell*
Neckface: *pulls out lighter, makes blowtorch out of spray paint,
You: *your life passes before your eyes – it sucked*
You: I think the elevator has stopped.
Ed Templeton: *starts rummaging around in backpack*
You: Whatcha looking for, Ed?
Ed Templeton: Maybe while we’re stuck here you can help me with an art project.
You: *getting nervous* Um, OK… I guess.
Ed Templeton: *takes giant sex toy out of his backpack* Here, hold this while I take your picture.
You: I’m not really comfortable with this.
Ed Templeton: *taking picture with his cell phone* Good, let’s go with that. Yeah, that’s it, make love to the camera.
Ed Templeton: You know, I think this would work much better if you took your clothes off.
You: *shocked and horrified, yet strangely aroused*
You: I don’t think we’re moving.
Andy Roy: *big, creepy smile on his face* Fuck no, Bro!
You: What are we gonna do?
Andy Roy: *inexplicably starts moshing* I think we can get this fuckin thing moving if we run back and forth and jump up and down.
You: I don’t think that’s a good idea!
Andy Roy: *punches self repeatedly in face* Yeah, muthafucker! You stuck in here with Spider now!
You: Help! Anybody, please, help me!
Andy Roy: * suddenly sticks finger down throat and vomits*
You: *screaming in fear*
Andy Roy: *bloody, covered in vomit, having a great time*