“I recently wrote a test trial piece on a skater that read more like, “I personally hate this fucking guy and how can I say the worst things about him possible hahaha”. My best friend read it and said, “Damn Danny, this is a hate column!” Which made me laugh cause I don’t think it is but he was right. It was way extreme so I put the piece on ice and decided to tell you a funny story about me myself and I.

Back in 2009 I did the wackest gum commercial for Extra. Yes… I sold out for the big bucks. There’s nothing I won’t do for money, just kidding (but not really). When it comes to rent and other bills, you gotta do what you gotta do. The day of the shoot the director told me I would have to meet the producers which he thought might be having second thoughts on casting me. So he handed me a stick of chewing gum and said, “When you talk to them, chew this gum and never stop smiling.” It was a strange request but again we’re talking about the big bucks, so I obliged. During the meeting I was basically the equivalent of a stepford wife, super fake and never broke a smile, and by the end of the stressful meeting my jaw hurt like hell. When it was over the director turned to me and said, “Good job Danny, I think they like you.”

During the shoot the director had me do a skate trick with a green screen in the background. Method Air was the trick choice. I did it like 10 or so times but the jacked up part was every time he wanted me to have that ridiculous smile. Then came the close up! Camera all tight, me wearing my stupid helmet and yet again, chewing with that ridiculous smile. Take after take he said, “Uh… Danny, can you show more bottom teeth? Can you smile like that, can you do it this way?” By the end of the shoot my fucking jaw felt like I had been gang raped in the mouth. I was so pissed that when they gave me a full box of gum I fucking threw it in the trash when they weren’t looking and went home. So with out further ado. Here’s the Extra Gum Commercial I did.” – Danny Gonzalez

Words: Danny Gonzalez
Original Illustration: Lauren Kolesinskas
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