Skating is hard, there’s no doubt about it. Even after decades of practice you still might get out to your favorite skate spot and feel like a total uncoordinated doofus.
There’s no need to fret, though, we’ve all been there. And fortunately for you, we’ve learned a few secret techniques that can trick people into thinking we’re way better skaters than we actually are.
So while being good at skating might be hard, it’s actually not so hard to look like you might be good at skating. Give these bluffs a try and see if it doesn’t get you a bit more respect at your local spot.
STRETCH… A LOT
There are a million benefits to stretching, and one of them is that it’ll help convince people that you’re not quite as bad at skating as you may actually be.
As soon as you show up to the spot, hit a couple of laps to find the best place to post up–you’re going to want some place where you can be easily noticed while also not being in the way–and then run through a long and slow series of stretches. Once you’ve gone through one series, do another lap, maybe pop a couple of flatground ollies, and then return to the stretch-spot for a second round. Continue in this fashion until you’re ready to leave.
Anyone that’s taking the time to check you out won’t know what to make of your skill level. “Maybe the best is yet to come,” they’ll think. “Dude just needs to warm up first and then they’ll probably rip.” This bluff can be emphasized by doing a little twist and grimace move while you’re rolling between stretch seshes, showing everyone that your back is tweaked so you can’t really huck down the set like you normally would.
If no one knows what stance you ride, no one can really talk shit! If you find yourself rolling for more than a few feet, pivot off your nose and cruise around in reverse for a while. Make sure not to do any swongo pushes–that’ll instantly blow your cover. Just keep your shoulders square no matter which way you’re rolling and soon you’ll be as astonishing as the Venice park Skategoat guy.
GO FAST, DO 5050S
When in doubt, just do laps around the spot and 5050 every ledge you can easily get your trucks on. Don’t try and get fancy, just keep it stupid-simple and kiss the ledge like it pays your rent. The rest of the time you should be doing those long, over-extended pushes like you’ve seen in that black and white photo a billion times.
If you want to spice it up a bit, throw in a couple of quick powerslides between pushes to make a little noise and get a couple more eyes on you before you hit the next grind. Push, powerslide, push, grind and repeat until the whole park is forced to contend with the fact that you are indeed good at at least one thing.
KICKFLIP TAILSLIDE TO FAKER
This one sounds complicated, but it’s actually easy, which makes it the perfect move to cloak your limited abilities in disguise of, “you almost had it”s. You don’t even need to be able to land kickflips or backtails to do this one–just fling the board a bit and turn your shoulders a tad while putting one foot on the ledge and boom, you’ve just leveled up.
Once you’ve done this a couple of times it might be good to combine it with some of the tactics mentioned earlier as well. So fling a fake kickflip tailslide, and when it doesn’t work out, skate back to your stretch spot while holding your lower back and reaching the other arm up to the sky in a dramatic motion.
LAND 2 TRICKS –> FAKE A NOLLIE HEEL
If by some miracle you happen to land two tricks in a row, you probably shouldn’t risk trying to land another and exposing yourself for the amateur you actually are. It’s better to commit to the bail, and no trick looks better to kick out from on flat than a nollie heelflip. There’s just something about the way that trick pops behind you that makes it seem like you’re too good to even bother landing it.
SHRUG EVERYTHING OFF
Neither anger nor happiness looks cool to the critical skater, so adopt a sort of Stoic resignation to whatever happens during the sesh. Just witness someone land an NBD that’ll put them on the front-page of Instagram tomorrow? Give it a respectful head nod and nothing more.
The point here is to prove to everyone around that you’ve already seen it all. The highs and lows of any skate sesh are nothing new to you, the seasoned skater that’s been through the grinder and back again.
BOUNCE AFTER 20 MINUTES
If you show up to a skate spot, do fifty 5050s, a couple powerslides, a nice long stretch and a few kickflip tailslide fakers, you need to get the hell out of there before people wisen up to your scam. Make sure to make a big deal about it when you leave too. Go around and dap everyone up whether you know them or not, this way everyone will think you’re such a spot local you deserve de facto respect.
To take this tactic to the next level you can even fake a FaceTime call that loudly lets everyone know you’re on your way to either film a trick in the streets or link up with someone in the sheets.
DOES SIZE MATTER?
I hit up physical therapist Dr. Kyle Brown for some insight on whether or not our height plays a noticeable role in how we skate.
A FIRST LOOK AT OPERA AND SKATEBOARDING’S NEWEST GROUP OF BRANDS
Bill Weiss and a few of his close friends are picking up the pieces from the Dwindle rubble and starting fresh with a new slew of brands.
HOW CHAD CARUSO SKATED ACROSS AMERICA
Chad did it the way most skateboarders would: independently and without much of a plan.
WHAT HAPPENED TO GERSHON MOSLEY?
From punching Andrew Reynolds, to not getting "pimped" by the industry, Gershon covers everything you wanted to know.
JOSH KALIS ON BUILDING AN INDOOR SKATEPARK WITH GRANITE FROM LOVE PARK
"Laying the granite tiles was the most torturous part because you’re on your knees. It was a month straight of doing 1,600 tiles."
September 10, 2020 2:02 pm
September 10, 2020 2:04 pm
Farting really loud while you’re skating also lets people know you’re a real baws dawg.
September 10, 2020 7:23 pm
– farting – allegedly burns approx. 67 calories per unit.
September 11, 2020 12:05 pm
no wonder im so skinny i blast farts like a bitch
September 10, 2020 2:17 pm
did most of these this morning.
But you forgot the rub-the-rail/ledge-to-make-sure-it’s-slick move
September 10, 2020 2:24 pm
Who’s the bigger douche, the person who does these things, or the person who actually thought about it all and wrote this up?
September 10, 2020 2:49 pm
idk, but the biggest douche is probably the guy who can’t take a little joke
September 10, 2020 3:52 pm
username checked out
September 10, 2020 11:16 pm
>durr username check out
go back to reddit with your lowest common denominator humour you dweeb
September 23, 2020 10:43 pm
Douche. Douche douche douche douche; douche, douche douche. Similarly, Steve Berra. douche, douche
September 10, 2020 4:40 pm
The person who does these things not ironically is. Biggest of douche.
September 21, 2020 1:38 pm
hey, fuck you.
September 11, 2020 9:59 pm
The 40oz vinegar bottle in your mom’s bathroom cabinet is the biggest douche.