SKATEBOARD PRODUCTS YOU WON’T SEE ANYTIME SOON

Corporate sponsorship, whether you like it or not, is becoming a part of skate culture. Non-skater run companies, big and small, are continually dipping their toes into the whirling torrent that is the “action-sports demographic”. And, seeing as these companies often throw down major coin, we frequently let them in for a swim. The skate industry seems confident enough in its own identity to allow for the occasional gimmick and inappropriate sponsorship. However, I don’t think we’ll be seeing the creation of any of the product proposals outlined below. It’s time to stick it to the man my brothas.

The “Skate Rage” Focus Wafer
Most skateboarders understand the anger that comes with struggling for a hard trick. The pain, frustration, and mental effort involved with skateboarding can be so intense, that some participants feel the need to break or “focus” their skateboards. However, the financial damage of breaking a skateboard is great, and for some, difficult to overcome. That is why we propose the introduction of a simple product that could revolutionize the skateboarding process: The “Skate Rage” Focus Wafer. The “Skate Rage” Focus Wafer is a thin hardened wafer that looks and feels like a real skateboard. Complete with tiny whole wheat trucks, this delicacy can be snapped in half when a frustrated skateboarder feels the need to, thus eliminating the need to break the real thing. Skateboarders, having poured out their primal, hellish anger on a life-sized cracker replica, can then enjoy a wholesome snack. It’s great with fresh cream cheese!

The Skate Spelunking Kit
The Hard Rock Cafe, the fine cities of Europe, The Great Wall of China… where have skateboarders not been? Caves. Skateboarders have obviously not been in caves. But with the introduction of The Skate Spelunking kit, that could change. This extreme sports bundle would include a rope and pulley system, a helmet with light accessory, and an all terrain skateboard. The board, sprayed nose to tail in a bat-repelling lacquer, would include a small notch in the center to allow for Natas Spins on stalagmites. Unfortunately, even with these advances in board technology, many caverns may still prove un-skateable. Not to worry, as the kit will contain small but potent explosives that can be used to level bumpy terrain. Our commitment to the skate expedition is palpable, and we wish for every Skate Explorer to have the trip of a lifetime!

The Shake Junt Medical Line
Tens of thousands of skateboarders are hospitalized each year and are forced to inhabit these cold, clinical environments. To make matters worse, hospitals often lack the green and yellow regalia of the wild brand they have come to love so much: Shake Junt. For this reason, it seems only natural for the company to create a product line for the downside of the action-sports lifestyle. The Shake Junt Medical Line could include everything from pot-leaf themed bedspreads, to “motivated by the haters” hospital gowns, to fried chicken scented syringes used to administer liquid anesthetics. To help create an immersive healing experience, Shake Junt could also incorporate audio recordings in their products. When faced with weeks spent in a single grim hospital room, and a stay that may require the use of a catheter, what could be more comforting than the sound of the “Chicken Bone Nowison” chorus playing repeatedly as a plastic tube is slowly inserted into the tip of one’s penis?


Words: Morley Musick
Original Illustrations: Pascal Faro
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Comments

  1. Noah Asimow:

    Great work, although it is kinda cruel to leave the reader with that final catheter image.

  2. da kid:

    i would buy sum focus wafers if they sold’em in stores..
    hmmm….
    snap!

  3. Roger:

    Focus Wafers would be gone thanks to the munchies

  4. Mike:

    The skate line I would use. I’m a nurse and I skate.

  5. Jacob White:

    $10 says Poler has the Skate Spelunking Kit in next season’s lineup.

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