The other day I was riding an elevator up to my homie’s apartment when, all of a sudden, the lights flickered and my little lift jerked to a sudden stop. I waited patiently in the corner and lamented my circumstances.
Why didn’t I just make my fat ass walk the 5 flights of steps up to my friend’s place? About twenty minutes in I realized I was starting to go stir crazy. I needed something to occupy my mind while I waited to be rescued, so I started thinking about how things could be worse. Sure, I was trapped all alone in an elevator and desperately had to pee, but at least I wasn’t stuck there with an eccentric professional skater.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings, and I didn’t want to get caught jerking it on CCTV, so I pulled out a pen and jotted down some imagined conversations I’d be having if my nightmares came true and I was in fact stuck there with one of these maniacs.
You: Did you feel that?
Forrest Edwards: Feel what?!? I ain’t fuckin gay!
You: What? No. I think the elevator is stuck!
Forrest Edwards: Duh. Of course the elevator is fuckin stuck. What you think?!
You: Maybe there is an emergency button we can push or something…
Forrest Edwards: Fuck that! Pushing buttons is gay.
Forrest Edwards: I ain’t stuck in no fucking elevator. I put out two parts in one year. Being stuck in elevators is gay. Duh.
You: *cowering in the corner, frightened*
You: Oh no! We’re trapped in this elevator. What do we do?
Jereme Rogers: *starts whispering rap lyrics to himself*
You: Wow. I can’t believe I’m stuck in a broken elevator with Jereme Rogers…
Jereme Rogers: The name’s J….Casa….Nova. You smell me?
Jereme Rogers: You should smell me. That’s a million dollar cologne… and I bathe in it!
Jereme Rogers: Daaaaaaamn!
You: *looking around desperately for a way out*
Jereme Rogers: *starts undressing* Put your girlfriend on the phone! I’m not gonna say it again.
You: Um, J, did you happen to eat shrooms earlier today?
Jereme Rogers: *starts quietly rapping about Magnum brand condoms*
You: *looking around desperately for a way to kill yourself*
You: I think the elevator has sto- Holy shit! You’re Mike Vall-ey!
Mike Vallely: *sighs*
You: I watch your old Powell parts all the time.
Mike Vallely: *clenches fists*
You: Remember that awesome farm graphic from when you were on World Industries?
Mike Vallely: *grinds teeth and starts to breathe heavy*
You: I used to have a TV Skateboards shirt back in, like, 1990. Tell me again how many companies you’ve started.
Mike Vallely: *suddenly pulls your shirt over your head and starts to pummel you*
You: Shit! The elevator has stopped.
Neckface: *immediately whips out can of spray paint and starts painting the wall*
You: I’m not sure you should be doing that.
Neckface: *laughs at you, continues painting*
You: Dude, I think the fumes are making me lightheaded.
Neckface: *stops painting for a minute, pulls his dick out and pees in the corner, continues painting*
You: Not cool, man!
Neckface: *spraypaints the words “not cool man” on the wall*
You: *nearly passes out from aerosol fumes and urine smell*
Neckface: *pulls out lighter, makes blowtorch out of spray paint,
You: *your life passes before your eyes – it sucked*
You: I think the elevator has stopped.
Ed Templeton: *starts rummaging around in backpack*
You: Whatcha looking for, Ed?
Ed Templeton: Maybe while we’re stuck here you can help me with an art project.
You: *getting nervous* Um, OK… I guess.
Ed Templeton: *takes giant sex toy out of his backpack* Here, hold this while I take your picture.
You: I’m not really comfortable with this.
Ed Templeton: *taking picture with his cell phone* Good, let’s go with that. Yeah, that’s it, make love to the camera.
Ed Templeton: You know, I think this would work much better if you took your clothes off.
You: *shocked and horrified, yet strangely aroused*
You: I don’t think we’re moving.
Andy Roy: *big, creepy smile on his face* Fuck no, Bro!
You: What are we gonna do?
Andy Roy: *inexplicably starts moshing* I think we can get this fuckin thing moving if we run back and forth and jump up and down.
You: I don’t think that’s a good idea!
Andy Roy: *punches self repeatedly in face* Yeah, muthafucker! You stuck in here with Spider now!
You: Help! Anybody, please, help me!
Andy Roy: * suddenly sticks finger down throat and vomits*
You: *screaming in fear*
Andy Roy: *bloody, covered in vomit, having a great time*
DOES SIZE MATTER?
I hit up physical therapist Dr. Kyle Brown for some insight on whether or not our height plays a noticeable role in how we skate.
A FIRST LOOK AT OPERA AND SKATEBOARDING’S NEWEST GROUP OF BRANDS
Bill Weiss and a few of his close friends are picking up the pieces from the Dwindle rubble and starting fresh with a new slew of brands.
PREMIERE: VIVIEN FEIL AND SOY PANDAY IN MAGENTA’S “JUST CRUISE II”
We hope to skate half as good as these dudes when we are in our 40s.
SECRET HOBBIES WITH ELI REED
Enjoy episode 2 of our new series that finds out what things skaters secretly fan out on (besides kickflips and pants).
HOW CHAD CARUSO SKATED ACROSS AMERICA
Chad did it the way most skateboarders would: independently and without much of a plan.
October 27, 2016 1:36 pm
so fucking awesome and funny!
How could you forget Patrick Melcher, Richie Jackson, Louie Barletta and, of course, MULLEN!?
October 29, 2016 7:29 pm
October 27, 2016 2:01 pm
October 27, 2016 3:41 pm
I’d S Jereme’s D at gunpoint my man