September 10, 2012/ / ARTICLES/ Comments: 71

1. “You’re gonna break your neck!” or some variation.
You know what? I was planning on waking up today, grabbing a coffee, taking a shit and going out and breaking my neck. What have you contributed to this world by making that statement? Are you generally concerned for my safety? Does acting “responsibly” personally gratify you? Almost 100% of the time I have no idea who these people are at all to begin with. If you really care about me, buy me dinner or pay my mortgage.

2. “I used to skate.”
Oh you used to skate? We must have so much in common! I hardly like 80% of people that STILL skate, so it’s going to be a long shot if I give two shits about you. I understand that some people “grow up” and have families, lose interest, get injured, but If you’re over 35 and don’t have an awesome story about a legendary bowl, party, or skateboarder for that matter, spare yourself the embarrassment and keep your mouth shut. No one cares. If you’re under 35 and you’re wearing flip-flops, cargo shorts and mall-grabbing a Sector 9 don’t even speak to me.

3. “How do you do that?”
First of all are you kidding me? Do I look like I have time to teach someone who has no interest in skateboarding how to do a skateboard trick? Ask yourself these questions first:
Do you really want to understand the physics behind these sweet moves?
Are you generally interested in this or just trying to build a bond with your inner wild-man by living vicariously through me.
Most importantly, why do you even care? I don’t walk into your shitty office and ask you how to crunch numbers, say cool and walk away, so leave me alone.

4. “Can I see your board?”
Sure drunk dude outside of the bar at 2 a.m., you can see my board! This one’s a double-edged sword. I often let these people “see my board” and watch them do the pop-shuvit reverse body varial that everyone seems to go for immediately, or the really low crouch, touch hands on the ground to one-inch ollie. These moves often make it worthwhile. But if the subject in question is determined to land his trick, has his bros around or has consumed more than 4 drinks, it could take some time and your board and schedule could suffer the consequences.

5. “Do you know (insert famous professional here)”
Chances are that I may. We may have crossed paths while they were coming through Raleigh. I may have taken them to the biggest handrail in town, or the most elusive ledge spot. Are we friends? Probably not. So even if I’ve met said pro, it’s probably all the same that I didn’t because we’re not poking each other on Facebook. So hold your questions. Just because you play golf on the weekends I don’t assume you eat naan with VJ Singh.

Words: James Lee
Original Illustration: Michael Giurato
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  1. Matt Mazza

    September 10, 2012 1:14 pm

    “Can I see your board?”
    Sure drunk dude outside of the bar at 2 a.m.

    Absolutely hate that one!

    • Peter Whitley

      February 25, 2014 5:44 pm

      According to my stats, 2.3% of the population skates.
      According to my experience, 100% of the population “used to skate.”

      I like the kid at the skatepark that talks like he’s a retired veteran of the Animal Chin years… “before I broke my collarbone I could do this and that and this other thing…”. This deck-lurking grom will have you intentionally popping out on the opposite side just so you don’t have to struggle to be a good role model.

  2. Egan Budd

    September 10, 2012 1:49 pm

    Best part of lending someone your board: watching them smack their head off the pavement as they try to just stand on it.

  3. Hra10

    September 10, 2012 3:29 pm

    You forgot,”How many stairs can you ollie?”

    • ch1cken d1nner

      September 10, 2012 11:35 pm

      or when you just land a dope bigspin flip or something right in front of someone and they say “can you kickflip?”

  4. RJ138

    September 10, 2012 6:37 pm

    hahahahahahaha yes! Nailed it.

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