April 27, 2011/ Skittles/ ARTICLES/ Comments: 120


There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon beastiality. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning or cliffjumping to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and college goons.

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  1. cult_of_skulls

    August 14, 2012 11:32 pm

    This article must have been written by a shortboarder. All the usual ignorant stereotypes are here. Couldn’t ollie or do tricks, malllgrabbing, unusual forms of masturbatory pleasure… yep, written by a real mature shortboader no less. Well dipshit, here’s a little clue. See, I come from the old school of 80s vert riders. That’s pools and ramps to you little street fags. You had to know tricks or you weren’t shit, period. So your theory goes right out the door there. Mallgrabbing is for people that buy their boards at Zumies you twat. And instead of dragging my kids along they actually ride with me. I guess that makes me gay? I could go on but ignorant people like you are a waste of my time. So fuck you in the ass with your popsicle stick. I’m going longboarding.

    What a stupid and worthless blurb. You wasted a lot of time trying to be humorous and failing. Guess you don’t have to be that bright to write for Jenkem(lol, shit sniffers). :D

    • NatruallyBusty

      April 13, 2014 7:50 pm

      Your dick fell off long ago my friend. have fun playing with the no penis you no longer have after it fell off and walked away from you in disappointment as soon as you stepped on that longboard.

  2. c

    August 17, 2012 6:34 am

    so weak.lil cunts think theyre sumfin bcoz theyre better than somfn else. youre either shit or your not. bringing down hate puts you in the later because, at the end of the day your just a whinging bitch w a bit of narcisism thrown in. what a cunt

  3. Joshua

    November 5, 2012 8:36 pm

    OP is a faggot.

  4. Danny MacDeisels

    November 26, 2012 6:03 pm

    fuck you kooks, go 60 mph into a hairpin then tell me whos gay while ur sitting in one place either landing primo or masturbating to baker 3. i still street skate and i downhill skateboard. fuckin kooks. stay in the midwest. im not hating on streetskating, cuz i like that shit just bag on the frootboots, we’re still riding a board with trucks and wheels. it’s skateboarding. but fuck those dancing fags, go fast.