April 27, 2011/ / ARTICLES/ Comments: 121


There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon beastiality. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning or cliffjumping to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and college goons.

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  1. Bob Jones

    June 16, 2011 8:58 am

    Wtf really?

  2. Boom

    July 5, 2011 10:26 am

    You write the funniest shit I’ve read lately. Finding your site feels as good as reading Vice Magazine’s Do’s/Dont’s book when it first appeared at Tower Books in Mountain View, CA. I’ve read a bunch of stuff and all has been “top shelf” haha. What year did bars actually have “expensive liquor” on the Top Shelf. Bookmarked on iPod Touch and iPhone. And when I finally buy an iPad you will be bookmarked first. I am serious. Your “sharing words” made my morning.

    Please keep it up (no homo, lol). No homo is such an unintentional troll tag. You wouldn’t believe the replies people pm if written on Youtube comments. Haha. Read Staba Twitter posts to gain confidence when proclaiming,”That’s Gay!!!”

  3. Boom

    July 5, 2011 10:28 am

    Yes, haters …I fucked up on grammar and placed a period where a question mark was required.

  4. mad

    July 9, 2011 2:54 am

    lolololo this shit is so fukin true fuk gay ass longboarders man they think theyre so cool theyre fukin gay as fuck

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