Whether you know it or not there are hidden gems in skateboarding. Secrets that professional skateboarders have kept sacred for thousands of years, passed on through generations of pros. Is it just coincidence that Steve Olson has a professional skateboarding son, Alex Olson? What about Tony Hawks up and coming Riley Hawk?  No, it’s not genetics. It’s because they have the secrets. The secrets of skateboarding.

I was recently doing an interview with Ryan Sheckler and saw this bad boy poking out of his pocket. Thinking it was just another publication he was on the cover of, like Thrasher or Seventeen Magazine, I thought nothing of it. But then before the contest, I saw him take it out, scroll through the pages and chant what seemed to be tricks in Latin or Greek. After he performed his chants and heavy breathing, he gave it to his mother Gretchen, who waited patiently by his side. When I asked him “what was that?” he answered inconspicuously “what was what?” like I was on crazy pills. Gretchen looked at me, with furious eyes and walked back, where she held it firmly against her breasts, like she was protecting a young child. I don’t think I have to tell you, he placed first in that contest.

After further research I finally got my hands on the ancient text. I ran home and hugged the text of godliness as I saw Gretchen do, except without her miraculous tits. As I opened it up, I could feel generations of pros knowledge seep into my unconscious. I was Tony Hawk, I was Chad Muska. I couldn’t believe the secrets, that a frontside shove it and a heelflip could make a varial heelflip. That in a kickflip you have to flick AFTER you pop it, not before. After reading, my skating was completely altered, and tricks were unlocked in days, if not minutes. Like a video game.

Obviously, after my revelation, I went back to the skatepark and basically made everyone crap their pants. I had gone from “that guy in the skatepark” to Jesus on a 2×4 on wheels. I’m working stuff out right now with sponsors, but you’ll probably see me on TV soon. I’m talking Colgate, Pampers, Gatorade, CVS – none of those poor skate brands.

-James

PS: I forgot to mention, I’m flying back from Cali right now as I write this, working on my own manuscript “Secrets for Winning El Toro”. With this easy PDF guide, you should have any flip trick and maybe even some airs on lock. Make sure to pick up a copy if you plan on even being considered a professional skateboarder.

Comments

  1. Cunt Roach

    August 8, 2011 2:11 am

    But does it include benihanas and roast beef grabs.

    Reply
  2. Worried

    November 29, 2012 6:14 pm

    I actually purchased this nonsense when I was a kid. Just typing that previous sentence was so embarrassing!

    Reply
  3. bakerskater23

    May 18, 2013 7:58 am

    Hey you can get secrets of skateboarding free here. It’s the full version that includes the buying guide, the learning guide and the build a ramp section . http://learnskateboarding.blogspot.com/. The eBook’s worth downloading .

    Reply
  4. Pryce Costington

    June 10, 2013 2:13 pm

    Wow! He/she spent a WHOLE YEAR learning these secret techniques. I’ve clearly been blowing it: I still suck after more than 3 decades of trying to discover these elusive secret techniques.

    Reply

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