old zoo york ad

illustration: Carlos Baragli / David & Goloith for Zoo York

What’s the one thing that’s better than skateboarding? You guessed it, sex. So why keep these things separate? Why not mix that deck that you love to play with with that dick you also love to play with? In an effort to spice up your sex life and your skate life, we came up with a few new positions for you and your lover (of whatever gender) to try out this Valentine’s Day. Now you can fornicate on a Foundation board, fool around on a 5boro, or copulate on a Cliche. If all goes according to plan you may even need to pick up a Plan B pill so you don’t spawn the next Knox Godoy.


fly

“The Traveling Missionary” aka “Come Fly With Me”

Whether they admit it or not, everyone likes missionary. It’s a world classic. It’s like the ollie of sex. Once you’ve mastered the ollie you can go further into the skate world, similarly, once you’ve mastered missionary you can move onto other positions, you know, like anal sex and double penetration. The traveling missionary adds a new twist to an old favorite by allowing you and your lover to explore missionary in every part of your home, rolling to each room fucking in the oldest position in the book. After trying this it will be your “mission” to tell people about this refreshing take on an old way to bone. Your pleasure levels will be flying high and bodily fluid will be flying by.

waterboard

“The Water Board”

Oral sex has never been so criminal! Inspired by the torture methods on prisoners from Guantanamo Bay, the waterboard uses the combination of knee strength and genital asphyxiation for a wild oral experience fun for both teams. Whoever will be munching on genitalia will lie down with their back on the skateboard while the receiver stands above the muncher. The receiver will kneel down (almost as if they’re gonna take a dump on their partner) and suffocate the muncher with their privates until they have given up vital information. Once they’ve got all the info and all fluids out it’s time to switch positions and make sure everyone gets some waterboard treatment.

washer3

“The Full Service Cleaner”

Think of the “Full Service Cleaner” as the more modern, more liberal version of “The Waterboard”. It switches the power roles, giving more dominance to the person on the skateboard and incorporates one of todays biggests modern sex crazes, ass eating! Like the “Waterboard” the receiver will stand above the muncher but instead of suffocating the muncher, the standing receiver will be at demand of the muncher who will use the skateboard to move back and forth so that they can be able to reach every inch of their lover as well as tell the receiver to get lower or higher. This one will quickly become a favorite in your household and your non-skateboarding lover will start to demand that you always have the best bearings on deck.

wallridesex

“The Roller Doggy to Frontside Wallride”

This is a play on the infamous doggy style and is for those true “dirty dogs”. Once you’ve convinced your lover to let you penetrate them, bust out the widest board you have and tell your lover it’s time for “roller doggy”. Place them on the board on their knees, bent over, butt facing towards you, like normal doggy, but utilizing the board to roll them back and forth towards you giving you both that nice stroke. Your “bitch” will be loving it too! If you and your lover are real adventurous, before you climax push them against and up the wall and ride them out for an unforgettable wallride “ender”.

tailsex

“The Back Tail, Front Tail, Never Fail”

This wild position takes the fun of finding the perfect ledge and humping – mixing the two together to make some great Urban Sex. The key is to find a ledge that is too tall for you to shred but tall enough for smashing. Once you’ve found the ledge, put your tail on the ledge, place your lover on the tail, locking the board into the ledge. Angle yourselves accordingly so that you get nice and deep, and then grind! Grab your lovers hips and slide the board further down the ledge as you slide deeper into your lover. Frontside, backside, whichever side! Your lover will enjoy the thrill of public sex as well as the feeling of landing a tailslide on a ledge they would have never been able to get up on on. You’ll have fun telling your skate buddies about the newest tailslide you learned.

firecracker

“The Firecracker Boogaloo”

The “Firecracker Boogaloo” is for couples ready to take the next step into their exploration of Urban Sex. This one takes time and patience, but once you’ve accomplished it you’ll always want to go back. You need to find a position that you can both comfortably do while both on the skateboard. Riding cowgirl/cowboy is always the best route to go, for it puts weight and pressure on the right parts of the board for a firecracker. Find that perfect set with a long runup (for your first time don’t go over 7 stairs), get locked inside of one another on the board, and use both your hands to push down the stairs. As you go down the stairs the firecracker will slap you deeper inside of your lover, and you will find yourself deeper than you’ve ever been in another human, ever. If you aren’t too hurt the first time, keep going at it till you can’t bust no more. *Warning: All couples that have tried this have gotten hurt (but they’ve also claimed to have the greatest orgasms of their life despite the pain).

darkslide

“The Ride the Darkslide”

This one is for the real adventurous lover without a lover, someone who really knows how to take care of themselves. I’m talking about my favorite: full board penetration, full on board climaxingization. This requires a lot of lube and wax. Ladies, once you have successfully glided the board inside of you, use the deck to do a finger flip for maximum pleasure and butt quivers. Take your board to the bath tub with you with some wine and you’ll be fine all the way through dinner time. Now fellas, don’t think this one ain’t you for you too, you can have just as much fun as the ladies. Just put on your favorite dirty movie, get a glass of water, and keep a front wheel spinning as the board enters you for a kickflipping full on prostate orgasm.

Comments

  1. Mongo Shit Pusher

    February 12, 2016 8:28 pm

    What asshole editor let this shit get put up? Total let down on ability to be funny. This is just stupid. Here’s a better one: wrap grip tape around your neck and fasten it to the doorknob. Allow your fat ass weight to steady choke you out. It’s not autoeroticasphixiation for the simple reason that can’t reach your knob. Just fucking choke yourself out. Until you die. You unfunny fuck

    Reply
    • Asshole Editor

      February 13, 2016 11:58 am

      Great idea! Try it out and let me know how it goes!

      Reply
      • Mongo shit pusher

        February 14, 2016 12:39 pm

        you were clearly in the middle of”Riding a dark slide” when you wrote this, and I assume while you drew those stick figures- and how the fuck are you going to follow up the 1/2 way decent thumbnail with those shit swallowing deepthroat stickfigures. Take some pride in yourself. At least TRY. Your basic bitch “I’m rubber your glue” response shows a lack of enthusiasm for your work. How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy trolling you when it’s easier than deficating on a baby? Get your shit together

    • I am a professional troll, my sponsors are Microsoft, Calvin Klein and Pepsi

      February 14, 2016 5:02 pm

      you have been trolled. Wanna know how I know? Read my name

      Reply
  2. Nitty gritty

    February 12, 2016 10:03 pm

    this reminds me of a big brother article i read when I was 15.. now that I’m a grown adult I find this kind of humor very immature. You should get a interview with puppymonkeybaby I heard he skates with the dew team.

    Reply
  3. For real

    February 13, 2016 5:56 am

    Come on dudes………

    Reply
  4. You You You wankaz

    February 14, 2016 4:58 pm

    I have an idea about 5 sex positions with all of jenkem’s staff moms.

    Reply

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