Michael_Guirato_Jenkem_Illustrator_Portrait

If you ever wondered who drew some of the mindless illustrations in our articles, this is the guy you’re looking for. You may even know him. He’s the guy who doodles dicks in your notebook when you’re not looking. He’s the dude that makes a DERP face in every single photo he’s taken with you, ever. Whatever you do, please don’t give him any gigs. We need him here drawing away in trade for skateboards and drunken words of encouragement more than you.

What was your first drawing obsession?
I went through a serious ninja drawing phase when I was younger. I’d make all these really lame characters like Blade and Spike and Sasha and they’d have story lines and sometimes they’d also be in a metal band. I also remember having this sketchbook that said “Sketch Diary” on the front that I would draw disgustingly large breasted women in. My older brother eventually discovered it and tortured me mercilessly so I started to be more secretive about when and where I drew my tits.

Have you ever turned yourself on just by drawing?
That secret sketchbook filled with women and their big bountiful breasts that I had as a kid was a good indication of the power of drawing. Nowadays it takes more than just checking out my own drawings of disproportionate women to get me off. Usually a noose and a trustworthy friend does the trick.

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What do your parents think of your drawings?
My mom is really supportive of everything I do. She shows off my drawings to everyone she can which leads to awkward responses like, “why are you showing me a drawing of a guy’s penis exploding with blood?” and “I hope your son gets drawn and quartered.” My dad doesn’t know I do art. He thinks I’m at baseball camp.

What is harder to draw, a penis or a vagina?
I can draw a penis like no one’s business. I don’t know why but since high school there’s just something about drawing dicks that comes naturally. Vaginas are tricky. I’ve never even seen one in person because I close my eyes during sex. Blue waffle [note: beware, this is def. NSFW] is really my only reliable reference.

Has your artistic ability ever come in handy in a situation or saved your life?
One time I had to draw a picture of a bus going 50 MPH or above or terrorists would kill everyone on it. No, no, wait that’s the plot for Speed. OK, I was handcuffed to a pipe in a bathroom and I had to draw a saw or shit.. wait nevermind, no, yeah, no. Art is dumb and continues not saving my life daily.

How did you come up with the nickname “Jewrato”
It’s not so much a nickname as it’s just my last name with “jew” instead of “giu” in the beginning. Although in middle school I was given the nickname Ratboy because I would stand weird. Overall Jewrato is really stupid and I need a whole new moniker. I was thinking either “cant believe it’s not better” or “bad hair life”. I dont know. Thinking about this is about as stressful as trying to come up with an AIM screen name in middle school.

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What’s the best part about working at Jenkem?
All the free skateboards I get sent each month. I started giving most of them to the homeless in my neighborhood and now there’s a bunch of vagrants skating around bumping into pedestrians yelling about Vietnam and peeing everywhere. It’s a real problem.

What’s your favorite illustration you’ve done for the site?
I think my favorite piece is the one I did for 5 Embarrassing Articles Written About Skateboarding By Non-Skaters – the guy tearing his jaw off. Brutal. Felt real accomplished after that one. Like jerking off and taking a shit at the same time.

How did you get involved with Jenkem?
I used to huff a small childs worth of jenk daily in the back of China House in New Paltz, New York. After the first few hallucinations of my deceased grandmother, I’d smear my shit on their back wall, creating neo expressionist post minimalist drawing masterpieces. Ian found me half-naked spooning a family of racoons mumbling into cold sesame noodles one afternoon so he drove me to an undisclosed location and I haven’t been able to leave his basement since.

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Can you ollie?
That’s pretty much all I can do on a skateboard and that usually comes with turning to everyone and asking if all the wheels got off the ground and being overly excited that I did anything at all. I’d much rather stand from afar and yell, “DOAOLLIE!”

You were holding down a day job at Toys”R”Us in Times Square for a while… any good stories?
Thinking about working there makes me nauseous. I demonstrated toys all day and I’d do shit like bounce a ball at oblivious tourists and their shitty kids as they walked in. Highlights included hanging out with the big black security guard that got mistaken for Shaq daily who called me Young Jesus. Also, giving daps to the crazy dude that dressed up as the Statue of Liberty everyday and that one time I took this 18 year old coworker on a date to IHOP. Hoo boy.

Did you ever meet any MILFS working there?
Yeah, dude, all the time. You help a hot mom out and you’re pretty much guaranteed a quick handy under the ferris wheel.

Have you ever pooped your pants?
Not yet, but there’s still plenty of time in my life to do so if I want. I’m thinking I might try it out at a rave or dance party. Let one go while dancing and shake it out of the bottom of my pants leg. Maybe go to a public pool and shoot a real nice solid guy out mid frontflip off the diving board. I’ll tell ya what, the future’s lookin’ bright as hell, man.

Comments

  1. ashleytron

    April 26, 2013 1:44 pm

    I was molested by Geoffrey the giraffe on one occasion, was that you?

  2. jewrato

    April 26, 2013 2:42 pm

    sorry ¯\(°_o)/¯

  3. clehoe

    April 26, 2013 3:35 pm

    I’m pretty sure that picture on top is mikeys evil twin cousin Jeff. I want to see a real picture of Mikey not some evil impersonator

  4. breakfast

    April 26, 2013 7:21 pm

    that’s definitely action jeff

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