1. The Jockboarder: Somewhere along the line, when skateboarding reached the X-Games and longboarding rose to popularity, jocks realized they wanted a piece of the action. They wanted to look edgy and cool but they were gonna do it their way. Their way, meaning sandals, boardshorts, a college sweatshirt and the biggest most horrendous longboard they could possibly buy at Zumiez.

2. The I Used To Skate Bro: These guys come in all shapes and sizes, but their primary goal is always the same: To tell you how much they totally used to skate. It’s always this long lost hazy memory like, “damn dude, yeah when I skated, I was so hyped on Chad Maska or whatever his name was, you know the white dude with the noseslides?!” Just in case that wasn’t annoying enough, don’t be surprised when they follow up with the inevitable, “yo lemmie try your board real quick,” to see if they “still got it.”

3. The Stoner: These guys usually ride a cruiser, longboard, or some old raggity water logged piece of shit because they were too busy spending their parent’s money on more weed. The smarter ones try to avoid any confrontation with actual skaters, or are too busy riding around campus to the next “chill sesh” blasting Phish or whatever jam bands these fuckers listen to now a days.

4. The One Girl Skater: There’s always one of them: The girl that looks like she’s about to eat shit anytime she takes her foot off of the board and tries to push. To a horny young man this might seem like a dream come true, but most of these girls are either trying too hard or lesbians.

5. The Longboarder Who Thinks He’s A Skateboarder: This is the dude who thinks he can totally “get down” on your sesh. He starts by rolling up, powersliding and doing some wacky shit on all 4’s. Then he has to show you some scar from going 50 miles down the freeway without a helmet, proving how fucking gnar it was. Too bad you can’t do that on your “shortboard” bro.


  1. Justin Figueroa

    December 22, 2012 11:22 am

    Congratulations!!! If you made it to college, most likely you will not make it too pro status!! So, for anyone rolling around on a wood deck and 4 wheels say what’s up to them. Who cares if they push mongo with flip-flops smelling like patcholi, as long as you know what’s up, that’s all that matters.. Keep skating, those others are just transportin…

  2. James

    December 23, 2012 1:59 am

    Hey James,

    Having the misfortune of being a skater in a very big university right now I assure you that the wasteland is far more depressing than you’re hinting. You do not want to be a skate proper in school right now. You are a stranger in a strange land and finding some buds around campus is a futile task. You’re on your own most of the time so don’t expect much help from anyone when campus security tries to fuck with you on any given Sunday.

    The most common types of the 5 listed are by far the ‘Poser/Stoner/kickaround’ guys, and the ‘Longboarder Who Thinks He’s a Skateboarder’ guys. These 2 types prevail the most. Only the kickaround guys are much more annoying to me than any other. This is because longboarders I’ve seen mostly stick to their own and don’t try to talk to you. They usually just stick to the 6-level parkades and a couple hills on campus. Whereas the kickaround guys lack any humility or timidity and will accost you in a second about inane shit or where you’re going. I actually mind the longboarders/longboarder jocks much less because of this.

    As for the girl skaters they’re essentially like the kickaround guys most of the time, although slightly less annoying. I knew one chick in Anth class – wasn’t too bad looking – that all of a sudden just brought her skate to class at the beginning of the semester one day, then the rest of the semester I never saw it again. It’s a shame there aren’t some serious girl skaters around these parts, as it would be a pleasant surprise to see some random girl working her on her kit somewhere.

    I’ve stayed purposefully ignorant about longboarding most of my life, but I’ve only recently learned how bad these guys get fleeced. Imagine my surprise when one I happened to talk to one day told me they spend $400 on a long board setup. And some cost much more apparently. I had no idea this shit cost that much. You mine as well be buying a snowboard. Cuz that’s enough for maybe 5-6 months of decks for me.

    The problem is essentially being in the midst of an academic environment with trustfund babies galore means there will be virtually no serious skateboarders, even at a school with some 50,000+ students. And if there are, good luck finding them.


    December 23, 2012 7:57 pm

    to the people not agreeing with this: you’re a fag.

  4. Mike

    December 25, 2012 12:32 am

    I met a kid who was completely ripped like body builder status. But I’ll be dammed if the motherfucker wasn’t doing first try three flips over the euro gap. You never know who rips….