1. The Jockboarder: Somewhere along the line, when skateboarding reached the X-Games and longboarding rose to popularity, jocks realized they wanted a piece of the action. They wanted to look edgy and cool but they were gonna do it their way. Their way, meaning sandals, boardshorts, a college sweatshirt and the biggest most horrendous longboard they could possibly buy at Zumiez.

2. The I Used To Skate Bro: These guys come in all shapes and sizes, but their primary goal is always the same: To tell you how much they totally used to skate. It’s always this long lost hazy memory like, “damn dude, yeah when I skated, I was so hyped on Chad Maska or whatever his name was, you know the white dude with the noseslides?!” Just in case that wasn’t annoying enough, don’t be surprised when they follow up with the inevitable, “yo lemmie try your board real quick,” to see if they “still got it.”

3. The Stoner: These guys usually ride a cruiser, longboard, or some old raggity water logged piece of shit because they were too busy spending their parent’s money on more weed. The smarter ones try to avoid any confrontation with actual skaters, or are too busy riding around campus to the next “chill sesh” blasting Phish or whatever jam bands these fuckers listen to now a days.

4. The One Girl Skater: There’s always one of them: The girl that looks like she’s about to eat shit anytime she takes her foot off of the board and tries to push. To a horny young man this might seem like a dream come true, but most of these girls are either trying too hard or lesbians.

5. The Longboarder Who Thinks He’s A Skateboarder: This is the dude who thinks he can totally “get down” on your sesh. He starts by rolling up, powersliding and doing some wacky shit on all 4’s. Then he has to show you some scar from going 50 miles down the freeway without a helmet, proving how fucking gnar it was. Too bad you can’t do that on your “shortboard” bro.


  1. Ryan

    February 26, 2015 2:47 pm

    Shaun doesn’t get anywhere faster because he has to pick up his longboard everytime there’s a curb lol

  2. MelvinPunymeyer

    April 2, 2015 11:46 pm

    This opinion piece was ill-conceived and elitist to say the least. I love to skate, and I like seeing anyone riding any piece of wood. It beats driving and its fun so why talk smack? And with this attitude it is no wonder more girls don’t feel comfortable learning to ride.

  3. Stu

    July 27, 2015 5:07 pm

    I used to skate but Im not proud of it, all the friends I made from skating are losers nowdays. If you are that guy who used to skate a) Why haven’t you done anything else worthwhile in your life by now. b) Why are you hanging at a children’s playground talking to teenagers homie?

  4. Mr sly

    September 21, 2015 1:52 pm

    It’s fucked up that short board riders have to be little cock suckers and fuck with longboarders. The guys that ride short boards are mad as hell cause they spent a lot of years trying to get good at skating and dreaming of moving to cali and getting sponsored but it never happened for them cause they are chumps. So they feel the need to make a pointless argument with people who ride longboards. I’ve known a few guys who surfed their whole life and choose a longboard over short boards. It doesn’t matter what you ride. Who the hell cares