1. The Jockboarder: Somewhere along the line, when skateboarding reached the X-Games and longboarding rose to popularity, jocks realized they wanted a piece of the action. They wanted to look edgy and cool but they were gonna do it their way. Their way, meaning sandals, boardshorts, a college sweatshirt and the biggest most horrendous longboard they could possibly buy at Zumiez.

2. The I Used To Skate Bro: These guys come in all shapes and sizes, but their primary goal is always the same: To tell you how much they totally used to skate. It’s always this long lost hazy memory like, “damn dude, yeah when I skated, I was so hyped on Chad Maska or whatever his name was, you know the white dude with the noseslides?!” Just in case that wasn’t annoying enough, don’t be surprised when they follow up with the inevitable, “yo lemmie try your board real quick,” to see if they “still got it.”

3. The Stoner: These guys usually ride a cruiser, longboard, or some old raggity water logged piece of shit because they were too busy spending their parent’s money on more weed. The smarter ones try to avoid any confrontation with actual skaters, or are too busy riding around campus to the next “chill sesh” blasting Phish or whatever jam bands these fuckers listen to now a days.

4. The One Girl Skater: There’s always one of them: The girl that looks like she’s about to eat shit anytime she takes her foot off of the board and tries to push. To a horny young man this might seem like a dream come true, but most of these girls are either trying too hard or lesbians.

5. The Longboarder Who Thinks He’s A Skateboarder: This is the dude who thinks he can totally “get down” on your sesh. He starts by rolling up, powersliding and doing some wacky shit on all 4’s. Then he has to show you some scar from going 50 miles down the freeway without a helmet, proving how fucking gnar it was. Too bad you can’t do that on your “shortboard” bro.


  1. Selena

    September 23, 2014 8:39 pm

    I skate and I’m a girl. Fuck you you fucking psychotic mother fucker! And guess what, girls can state too. Don’t make stereotypes you dumb fuck. Go fuck yourself in a corner. Karma’s a bitch BRO!

  2. Shit post, bro.

    September 30, 2014 6:47 pm

    Why are skaters always so awful to each other…? Even if this “article” is supposed to be funny, it really affirms the aggressive dickhead mentality that skaters have assumed in the past 10 or so years. Just fucking chill out and skate.

  3. Shaun

    October 2, 2014 12:41 pm

    Sorry about all my earlier posts. I’ve just been mad lately because I had to tell my parents that I’m gay. Also my boyfriend has herpes so I think I might have it too. A lot of shitty stuff is going on right now. I just needed to vent somewhere like this. You damn shortboarders will never understand how hard it is being a schlongboarder. Well anyway Deuces bro I’ve gotta go bomb some gnarly hills

  4. Shitstorm imminent

    November 2, 2014 7:04 pm

    Ahhhh, so nothing has changed, skaters are STILL pretentious assholes with DC stamped all over them like its a fucking rash, smelling like 3-day-old sweat and energy drinks. I love how these useless unemployed cunts think they can pull rank on everyone.

    Kids, there is nothing wrong with skating (of any kind), just don’t read Jenkem Mag and be a cunt.