1. The Jockboarder: Somewhere along the line, when skateboarding reached the X-Games and longboarding rose to popularity, jocks realized they wanted a piece of the action. They wanted to look edgy and cool but they were gonna do it their way. Their way, meaning sandals, boardshorts, a college sweatshirt and the biggest most horrendous longboard they could possibly buy at Zumiez.

2. The I Used To Skate Bro: These guys come in all shapes and sizes, but their primary goal is always the same: To tell you how much they totally used to skate. It’s always this long lost hazy memory like, “damn dude, yeah when I skated, I was so hyped on Chad Maska or whatever his name was, you know the white dude with the noseslides?!” Just in case that wasn’t annoying enough, don’t be surprised when they follow up with the inevitable, “yo lemmie try your board real quick,” to see if they “still got it.”

3. The Stoner: These guys usually ride a cruiser, longboard, or some old raggity water logged piece of shit because they were too busy spending their parent’s money on more weed. The smarter ones try to avoid any confrontation with actual skaters, or are too busy riding around campus to the next “chill sesh” blasting Phish or whatever jam bands these fuckers listen to now a days.

4. The One Girl Skater: There’s always one of them: The girl that looks like she’s about to eat shit anytime she takes her foot off of the board and tries to push. To a horny young man this might seem like a dream come true, but most of these girls are either trying too hard or lesbians.

5. The Longboarder Who Thinks He’s A Skateboarder: This is the dude who thinks he can totally “get down” on your sesh. He starts by rolling up, powersliding and doing some wacky shit on all 4’s. Then he has to show you some scar from going 50 miles down the freeway without a helmet, proving how fucking gnar it was. Too bad you can’t do that on your “shortboard” bro.


  1. dedleg

    December 21, 2012 1:29 pm

    I know a dude who “used to skate.” Can’t tell you how many times he’s told me about how he could double kickflip all day but couldn’t do a normal kickflip…

    • DAn

      December 21, 2012 1:48 pm

      …….yes. I don’t know how many late 20-somethings have told me they used to be able to “double kickflip” like that’s just the end all be all of tricks?

    • nate

      July 3, 2014 3:43 pm

      in all fairness when I started skating I could varial flip but not kickflip but when I learned to kickflip I couldn’t varial flip anymore for some reason. So it does happen. I don’t know if that’s the same as not learning the basics though.

    • Rob

      February 28, 2016 3:21 pm

      Or you have the one guy who says he can do all these obscene tricks, but somehow can do them but never getting his back foot on in time and can barely Ollie up a curb.

  2. Shaun

    December 21, 2012 1:54 pm

    Or you can just shut the fuck up and let people do what they want. I admit I think its ridiculous trying to say you know a sport you know nothing about like #2. Longboarding is causal and fun, I enjoy taking on hills because highspeeds make for an exhilarating rush and a load of fun. I enjoy it over a skateboard because I can get from point A to B much faster and smoother than you can. And “stoners” probably spend less money on pot than you do on your stupidly expensive skater brand clothes and booze. Let that sink in, and if that reflects you, shut the fuck up. Have a nice day assholes.

    • Shaun is a mark ass

      December 21, 2012 2:44 pm

      Hey Shaun, I’m sure you enjoy taking all types of things on. Primarily dudes. I guarantee you push like a complete retard so I highly doubt you can get anywhere smoother and faster than real skateboarders. I bet you’ve actually never even bombed a hill in your life.

      • Shaun

        December 21, 2012 3:40 pm

        I guarantee I would get twice as far twice as fast. You can’t accept others way of entertainment because you’re a stubborn bully. I’m not going to let you have any more satisfaction from your own ignorance, so goodbye; maybe one day you’ll realize you’re an asshole.

      • mane

        December 21, 2012 5:37 pm

        go back to zumiez ya kook bitch

      • Cam

        December 21, 2012 8:27 pm

        Always a pissing match between you longboarders and “short boarders”…Take this article with a grain of salt. If you get offended and feel the need to bitch about it then pick a new sport.

      • Corn

        December 25, 2012 2:00 am


      • ButtPoop69

        February 18, 2014 9:19 am

        You’re truly an awful person Shaun

      • Leave Shaun Alone!

        April 7, 2014 8:32 pm


      • shaun pushes mongo

        June 8, 2014 6:31 pm

        fuck off shlongboarder

      • nate

        July 3, 2014 3:49 pm

        Yes you will get twice as far with a dude twice as fast with a longboard so we will let you have that. For the person defending Shaun… life is about sticking up for yourself. if the comment boards won’t allow you to reply to their comment “bullying” them then as far as I’m concerned they lost the argument. Plus remember back in the day “bullying” was pretty normal? We’re not telling Shaun to end his life and no one likes him and he should end it all. I agree with Cam though. If you get offended to the point shaun did, it’s time to find a new sport or grow some thicker skin.

    • Shaun

      December 22, 2012 10:13 am

      disregard previous posts, I suck cocks

    • fuckitandyou

      December 22, 2012 5:00 pm

      Shaun, do you know what the hardest part of longboarding is? I’ll tell you, it is telling your parents you are gay.

    • Painless

      January 4, 2013 8:25 pm

      You showed your ignorance when you stated skateboarding as a sport, jock.

    • Pepe

      February 5, 2014 1:02 pm

      shaun i bet you push mongo you kook

      • nate

        July 3, 2014 3:50 pm

        well you push mongo when you skate switch so really everyone pushes mongo in a way. Unless you can push switch. Then you’re an amazing person like myself and we should count ourselves fortunate that we don’t push mongo :P

      • thedamnMiLKiWAY

        August 24, 2014 12:51 pm

        daaaaaaamn !!! this comment was so intelligent ^^ i pushed mongo for one year, and then learned how to push “normal” so i can now push switch AND regular… so…im not pushing mongo at all :P

    • Noah Peterson

      August 28, 2018 7:05 pm

      Yo idk why I’m on this dumbass site in 2018, but you’re totally right.

      • Leave a reply

  3. Leah

    December 21, 2012 1:58 pm

    Super happy that yet again the female skater is portrayed as being awful. And to answer you in advance, wonderful backlashers, please go on, tell me how dumb I am for commenting… I loveee it, I really do, I listen to every word you say because I respect your opinion so much…


    • what is this I don't even

      December 26, 2012 5:16 am

      He’s not attacking women in the article, just listing an archetype of one particular kind of College skate. One that exists I assure you. I doubt he’s advocating misogyny or anything like that.

      • tru

        February 5, 2014 8:12 pm

        if you’re good you don’t fit the profile

      • Jk

        February 13, 2014 2:37 pm

        He is being sexist…he’s saying there will only be one girl skating and she must assuredly suck. Making him a little bitch who can’t handle when women are better skaters than him (which exist…in small numbers, but they’re out there).

        Also…I love how the tight-leather-suit wearing downhill longboarders and the tight-hipster-pants wearing “core” skaters are the first to call something gay or lame. Usually each other…while everyone else is to busy ACTUALLY FUCKING SKATING to care what anyone else is doing. What does it say about you that you had enough few time to write an article about lame skaters and didn’t use that time thrashing? You lame fuck…

    • RCatGalaxy

      February 21, 2014 1:42 am

      Though he does make some points in this article I wouldn’t take the “female bashing” so seriously. A lot of this sites articles are satire, made to be laughed at. Im a chick who is quite sensitive to sexist jokes or speech but if what it says in the article doesn’t include you or the way you site then no worries.

    • Girl Shredder

      September 12, 2018 11:07 pm

      Glad someone said something. Girls can fucking shred.