1. The Jockboarder: Somewhere along the line, when skateboarding reached the X-Games and longboarding rose to popularity, jocks realized they wanted a piece of the action. They wanted to look edgy and cool but they were gonna do it their way. Their way, meaning sandals, boardshorts, a college sweatshirt and the biggest most horrendous longboard they could possibly buy at Zumiez.

2. The I Used To Skate Bro: These guys come in all shapes and sizes, but their primary goal is always the same: To tell you how much they totally used to skate. It’s always this long lost hazy memory like, “damn dude, yeah when I skated, I was so hyped on Chad Maska or whatever his name was, you know the white dude with the noseslides?!” Just in case that wasn’t annoying enough, don’t be surprised when they follow up with the inevitable, “yo lemmie try your board real quick,” to see if they “still got it.”

3. The Stoner: These guys usually ride a cruiser, longboard, or some old raggity water logged piece of shit because they were too busy spending their parent’s money on more weed. The smarter ones try to avoid any confrontation with actual skaters, or are too busy riding around campus to the next “chill sesh” blasting Phish or whatever jam bands these fuckers listen to now a days.

4. The One Girl Skater: There’s always one of them: The girl that looks like she’s about to eat shit anytime she takes her foot off of the board and tries to push. To a horny young man this might seem like a dream come true, but most of these girls are either trying too hard or lesbians.

5. The Longboarder Who Thinks He’s A Skateboarder: This is the dude who thinks he can totally “get down” on your sesh. He starts by rolling up, powersliding and doing some wacky shit on all 4′s. Then he has to show you some scar from going 50 miles down the freeway without a helmet, proving how fucking gnar it was. Too bad you can’t do that on your “shortboard” bro.

Words: James Lee
Original Illustration: Michael Giurato
Rant, comment or bitch on our Facebook
Let us spam you on Twitter


  1. I know a dude who “used to skate.” Can’t tell you how many times he’s told me about how he could double kickflip all day but couldn’t do a normal kickflip…

    • DAn:

      …….yes. I don’t know how many late 20-somethings have told me they used to be able to “double kickflip” like that’s just the end all be all of tricks?

  2. Shaun:

    Or you can just shut the fuck up and let people do what they want. I admit I think its ridiculous trying to say you know a sport you know nothing about like #2. Longboarding is causal and fun, I enjoy taking on hills because highspeeds make for an exhilarating rush and a load of fun. I enjoy it over a skateboard because I can get from point A to B much faster and smoother than you can. And “stoners” probably spend less money on pot than you do on your stupidly expensive skater brand clothes and booze. Let that sink in, and if that reflects you, shut the fuck up. Have a nice day assholes.

    • Shaun is a mark ass:

      Hey Shaun, I’m sure you enjoy taking all types of things on. Primarily dudes. I guarantee you push like a complete retard so I highly doubt you can get anywhere smoother and faster than real skateboarders. I bet you’ve actually never even bombed a hill in your life.

      • Shaun:

        I guarantee I would get twice as far twice as fast. You can’t accept others way of entertainment because you’re a stubborn bully. I’m not going to let you have any more satisfaction from your own ignorance, so goodbye; maybe one day you’ll realize you’re an asshole.

    • Shaun:

      disregard previous posts, I suck cocks

    • fuckitandyou:

      Shaun, do you know what the hardest part of longboarding is? I’ll tell you, it is telling your parents you are gay.

    • Painless:

      You showed your ignorance when you stated skateboarding as a sport, jock.

    • Pepe:

      shaun i bet you push mongo you kook

  3. Leah:

    Super happy that yet again the female skater is portrayed as being awful. And to answer you in advance, wonderful backlashers, please go on, tell me how dumb I am for commenting… I loveee it, I really do, I listen to every word you say because I respect your opinion so much…


    • what is this I don't even:

      He’s not attacking women in the article, just listing an archetype of one particular kind of College skate. One that exists I assure you. I doubt he’s advocating misogyny or anything like that.

      • tru:

        if you’re good you don’t fit the profile

      • Jk:

        He is being sexist…he’s saying there will only be one girl skating and she must assuredly suck. Making him a little bitch who can’t handle when women are better skaters than him (which exist…in small numbers, but they’re out there).

        Also…I love how the tight-leather-suit wearing downhill longboarders and the tight-hipster-pants wearing “core” skaters are the first to call something gay or lame. Usually each other…while everyone else is to busy ACTUALLY FUCKING SKATING to care what anyone else is doing. What does it say about you that you had enough few time to write an article about lame skaters and didn’t use that time thrashing? You lame fuck…

    • RCatGalaxy:

      Though he does make some points in this article I wouldn’t take the “female bashing” so seriously. A lot of this sites articles are satire, made to be laughed at. Im a chick who is quite sensitive to sexist jokes or speech but if what it says in the article doesn’t include you or the way you site then no worries.

  4. blood sucked:

    mark ass mark ass mark ass

  5. babyswiss:

    If bro wrongboarders didn’t suck so much to see, be around, or talk to; they’d be alright.

Leave a comment




website by dedleg