Satanism – Let’s face it, Satan is one bad ass mother fucker. At least he looks like one. Or at least Slayer makes him sound like one. So why don’t more people worship him? Well a lot of people probably do worship some version of “Satan,” and so can you, but what’s important to realize is that this is not Christianity. A Satanist does not believe in Hell, Heaven, God, or any type of diety at all. Instead, a Satanist sees “Satan” as a representation of individuality and hedonism. The church of Satan puts a great deal of focus on the present, urging its followers to enjoy life, and all of the pleasures that come with it. Sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it? Now it’s important to keep in mind- Satanist are not ‘evil.’ So if you want to kill your neighbor’s dog, you may need to find another excuse. Also, the Church of Satan does encourage to love others. But only those who deserve it. The rest? Fuck’em.

Skoptsy – The traditional Skoptsy were actually a secret sect in imperial Russia, but now that the cat’s out of the bag, there is not reason why we can’t indulge ourselves with their spiritual truths. Now, it turns out that they weren’t terribly different from Christians, so it won’t be much of stretch. But they had one fundamental difference, which is a belief that when Adam and Eve were cast from the Garden of Edan, the forbidden fruit became their genitals, and for the woman her breasts as well. They believe that these things, which have led to human sexuality, are the root of all evil. Therefore, the answer to all our problems is pretty simple- cut them off. What says “F you sin,” like chopping off your crotch? Absolutely nothing.

Death – You could always just kill yourself and find out.

Summum – These believes are a fairly new development, beginning their philosophical journey through time and space in 1975. And it’s believed that many of their ideals were influenced by The Kybalion. (Don’t know what that is? Yeah, I didn’t either. Nor could I manage to read it.) Relevant because they do not believe in a diety. Instead, they teach that we are all part of a single entity: The Universe. Sounds pretty cool, I guess. And the alcoholic nectar they make. But all of these things are rudimentary compared to this philosophies jackpot- mummification. Sick. They’ll even do your animals. Totally worth it, if you ask me.

Nihilism – This should always serve as your back up belief; for when you’ve come to the conclusion that no religion can answer your questions. It’s somewhat of an all encompassing retreat from belief, which is apparently a belief in itself. Instead of ‘trying’ to figure out life, and ‘believing’ in things like ‘purpose’ and ‘truth,’ you can just not. It’s that simple, and well, it’s probably the hardest to refute. It would seem that there is no way to prove something is right, or whether it is wrong. And it’s hard enough to figure out what we even want to eat for dinner. So what makes any of this shit important? Who says it’s even real? Huh.

Comments

  1. fartbag

    June 18, 2011 12:11 pm

    the only problem with nihilism is it brings out a whole cliche stoner paradox: if everything is empty bullshit than is nihilism empty bullshit too

    Reply
  2. g$

    June 27, 2011 1:13 am

    more articles from Christian pleez

    Reply
  3. PhuckStiKKK

    July 25, 2011 7:06 pm

    sWeet article- I’m about to go cut off my wiener so I can practice Skoptsy. I too would like to see more articles from the witty MF that wrote this.

    Reply
  4. Scooter

    May 5, 2012 7:33 pm

    These are pretty rad, but who needs an alternative to something that doesn’t exist? OH I WENT THERE

    Reply

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