1) No fat people

Having fat people at your party tells guests that you care about friends with amazing personalities and “inner beauty”. That might be great if you were at a church support group but you are at a party, and people are just trying to have sex. Fat people take up more space, drink more and are harder to move when they pass out. Plus no one wants to fuck them so they kind of stand in the corner and have that awkward fake smile that lets people know, “I’m having so much fun,” even though they are just watching their hot friend make out with some random dude. Yup, keep on smiling.

2) No beer, just liquor

Beer is drunken makeouts, slow/tedious drinking games, naked frat dudes, beer bellies and top 40 over the span of an entire night. Liquor is low morals, orgy’s, naked chicks, full blackouts and streaking over the span of 2 hours. What would you choose?

3) Invite slutty friends that people don’t know are sluts

A party’s success relies on this simple formula: (How fucked up the crowd gets 1-10) x (the % of the crowd that ends up fucking)
By inviting a lot of sluts, the second half the equation is solved, and your only job is to make sure people get fucked up. This is pretty easy with heavy booze and roofies of course. Sometimes you gotta break a couple of eggs to make an omelet.

4) Turn the lights down, then lower them again

If heavy drinking makes that girl with the kinda fucked up nose and buckteeth doable, then heavy drinking and really bad lighting turns her into a fucking supermodel.

5) Avoid stoners, invite cokeheads

A crazy night for a stoner is getting Cheetos and a Kit Kat bar from the vending machine for the price of one and still having money left over for later. Smoking makes you lazy, paranoid, overly perceptive and seriously, just downright boring. No, you don’t have the “best idea in the world,” nor are you any more fun/creative/genius when you are high. On the other hand, invite all the cokeheads you know. Aside from clogging up the bathroom line, they attract models, low morals, money and dumb people. In sum: Cokeheads = bad decisions = great party.

Check out more of the Jenkem articles.

Words: James Lee
Original Illustration: Lauren Kolesinskas
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  1. sofanda cox

    September 6, 2011 2:24 pm

    keep the stereo inaccessable to anyone but you. invariably, some kook who thinks he knows something about music (and everyone else needs to hear it) is gonna plug his iphone into your stereo and try to be the dj for the night. best thing to do is put on an oldies station or something like the entire burzum discography on random. people will hate it, but act like they love it because its ironic

  2. Mike

    February 10, 2013 5:39 am

    Make sure she 18

  3. tim bongo

    March 24, 2013 7:28 am

    with coke you can make bitches do anything, its like a supermario-cheat. give them one line then offer them some more in your bedroom, you dont even have to be nice to her -“get on the bed you fuckin buckthooth oger!” then dangle a little baggie in front of her while you undo your pant. chris nieratko learned me that.

  4. Dudenberg Broheimer

    April 9, 2013 12:12 am

    Is this dude supposed to kinda resemble Fred Gall, or is that just a hilarious coincidence?


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