Longboarder_Jenkem_Article

There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon beastiality. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning or cliffjumping to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and college goons.

Comments

  1. person

    September 13, 2011 6:55 am

    im a sponsored longboarder and said no to every one of those questions

    Reply
  2. shawn

    October 9, 2011 2:15 am

    ahahhahahaah freerunning mountain climbing or anal sex

    Reply
  3. Daniel

    November 6, 2011 1:20 pm

    sooo… you tried anal and liked it in the ass.. great to know.. before you go bashing people remember you are just one little bitty person on a planet with a lot of people that will be more than happy to pick up their long boards or rollerblades and bash your head into the ground. .. i submitted my actual email address.. feel free to contact me any time you feel like you need to bash on other people and need some sense talked into you before you piss off a lot of people.

    Airman 1st Classs Daniel I Carroll / rollerblader / skateboarder / long boarder / and parkour enthusiast

    Reply
    • Parkour BRO!!!!

      November 17, 2011 6:16 pm

      Tha fuck outta here with that shit. All you KOOKS defending longboarding need to get the fuck off this website and go meet your bros at PacSun, they’re having a sale on Hollister shit. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A FAGGOT. good luck telling your parents!!!!! EXTREEEEEMMMEEEEE!!!!!!!!

      Reply
  4. derp

    November 25, 2011 11:46 am

    Ironic that you post this and then post a picture of an old man skating… Longboarding has its douche bros, and so does skateboarding. Like the kid above, mad, who can’t spell shit. Yeah, I’ve skateboarded, its fun, I like it. I also fucking love longboarding. Sure you can ollie some stairs, but it takes some balls to rail a corner going 50 mph.

    Reply
    • NatruallyBusty

      April 13, 2014 7:46 pm

      Bro your dick fell off as soon as you stepped on that longboard, shut your whore mouth.

      Reply
      • damn shame

        October 27, 2014 8:19 pm

        Bro your tits became natrually busty as soon as you stepped on a short board.. for the one day that you skated.

Leave a comment