Longboarder_Jenkem_Article

There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon beastiality. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning or cliffjumping to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and college goons.

Comments

  1. Fuck Off

    December 2, 2015 2:50 am

    …..why all the hate? For the sake of satire, i guess. Honestly, i cant tell if you are just a hateful washed up prick setting up a bad rep for the entire skater community by propagating this nosensical hate or just joking.

    Random guy picks up a longboard just for fun you say he is gay just because he has a longboard……I can see the skating community has become what it once was fighting. Congrats, you are now popular an everyone should suck your glorified cock for it because they are gay for not skating a popsicle board. They are gay for walking down the street. Everyone is gay but not the skaters…….

    Reply
  2. Skate*not*hate

    December 8, 2015 12:05 am

    Hateboarding? So what if I can kickflip a 42″ behemoth or 180 Ollie my pintail. I came up street skating in the 90’s and still hit the streets 4-5 days a week on the short board, but once in a while, I just want to cruise on the longboard. I do still got it and my kids do struggle to keep up on their scooters, bikes, blades or whatever wheeled devices they choose to ride. BTW, try to explain to them or their mother how gay their father/husband is. It’s fucktards like you that are ruining skateboarding. I respect any one who can do some gnarly shit with wheels underfoot….regardless of what the wheels are mounted to.

    Reply
  3. john motherfucking doe

    December 26, 2016 3:47 am

    this is retarded, downhill skateboarders should be respected. those motherfuckers go 60mph+ on a cliff against traffic. it’s not a longboard, it’s a skateboard, and you have plenty of posers with short boards. i skate short, long, micro, big wheels, small wheels, narrow trucks, medium trucks, long trucks, reverse trucks, loose trucks, tight trucks, hard wheels, soft wheels. man you have to skate everything. stop being a pussy and go skate, don’t worry about others. i’ll fuck your ass up when i see you in new york.

    Reply
  4. Russ

    May 18, 2017 10:15 pm

    Haha I feel the same way towards people who do other forms of rollerblading than aren’t aggressive inline

    Reply

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