There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon beastiality. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning or cliffjumping to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and college goons.


  1. Anton Juda

    December 22, 2014 7:28 pm

    you homowood pushers are just fucking lame as fuck hating on everyone exept yall are the fagots but the point of me commenting here is to notice that you lack creativity though i have heard this mocking piece of shitbag exuse of a joke before ! let me give you a holyday cheer ! hey hey hey wood pushing is gay ho ho wood fliping is hardcore no mow and was not that cool befow fucking retard lamos !

  2. Dustin

    December 22, 2014 7:45 pm

    You guys are all Knuckledragging swamp cunts, get yourself some rollerblades and let’s see you 900 down an 18 set, gap a 12 and land disaster on a 17 rail, eat shit, then get up and do it again like real “fruit booters” do. Congratulations on making it into the “cool kids club” you little fucks, you’ve become the jocks that picked on skaters in the 80s. Fuckin twatwaffles.

  3. Keegan

    August 20, 2015 8:12 pm

    Most of the time I’d rather longboard than skate anyway, and if you got a problem with that then you can suck my deck.

  4. Johannes

    November 16, 2015 6:11 am

    yawn. haters gonna hate. only inexperienced wannabewiseguys think that what they do is cool and what others do is totally uncool.. yeah, it’s funny to bitch about people who don’t like the same stuff as oneself. just remember skateboarding comes from wrongboarding. So you were born gay according to this logic. You wouldn’t exist without gay people. Doesn’t make sense? Well this artice don’t either.


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