There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon beastiality. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning or cliffjumping to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and college goons.


  1. chucky

    August 28, 2014 2:58 am

    I’ve been skating since the ’70s. My first skateboards were made of fibreglass, had loose ball bearings and no kicktail (because they hadn’t been invented yet). I’ve skated all my life – and you name it, I’ve skated it. I’ve also designed, photographed and written for skateboarding magazines – both as a freelancer and a full-time employee. I was literally right there ramp-side when McGill, Mountain and Hawk were still working on nailing their McTwists. Alva has ollied right over my head, numerous times, as I lay under a jump ramp, shooting with a fish-eye. My first commercial involvement with the skate industry was in the ’80s, and I’ve been involved on and off ever since then. I’ve actually been skating even longer than my favourite ever skater – the inimitable Rodney Mullen. I may not still have my original Sims “Pure Juice” board (look it up), but I’ve still got my original G&S Fibreflex Pintail (also look it up), and I taught my kid to skate on it before I moved him on to shorter boards.

    Why all this horn tooting? Simple, it all amount to credibility – of which I have way more than you clowns.

    So, in that light, I have to correct your ignorance.

    LONGBOARDING IS SKATEBOARDING, and always has been.

  2. damn shame

    October 27, 2014 8:26 pm

    To all the people asking why the hate: This is Skateboarding. It is built on Anarchy. It’s not a fucking sport. There aren’t rules. It’s a breeding ground for angry, fucked up kids that love hatred and shredding. So if you skate, stop asking what the fuck’s with all the hate.

  3. The loser.

    December 22, 2014 5:17 pm

    hahaha this is so funny. Where ever i go. Barcelona, Stockholm, California, Berlin. Skateboard is comerical and trendy nowadays. Skateboarding is not what it was back in the ’70’s. Soccer players hated on skateboarders because they thought it was dumb. Now, gentleman and ladys. Skateboardes are the douchebags who hate on the other coming extrememe sports or whatever just because of Money and trying to keep their cool and rep’. How many possers do you see in longboarding? BMX or blading? none basically, becasue they are doing it for the passion and not trying to look cool by look all the same, doing the same.. For me that is ´´gay´´. Bet you haters Dream about cock.

  4. frank

    December 22, 2014 5:26 pm

    All skateboard variations are totally gay – street, park, bowl, longboard – when will you realize that the rest of the world looks at you all as the same thing? Rollerblading and scooters included, you all look like kids with special needs, there’s nothing that separates you apart – you all roll around on wheels and refuse to get a life. Bunch of fucking losers really.


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