There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon gay porno. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.

To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.

1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?

2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?

3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?

4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?

5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?

6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning, cliffjumping or analsex to get other totally extreme rushes?

7) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?

If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and fudgepackers. Just remember, the hardest thing about longboarding is telling your parents you’re gay.

Words: Skittles
Rant, comment or bitch on our Facebook
Stalk us on Twitter


  1. Bob Jones:
  2. Boom:

    You write the funniest shit I’ve read lately. Finding your site feels as good as reading Vice Magazine’s Do’s/Dont’s book when it first appeared at Tower Books in Mountain View, CA. I’ve read a bunch of stuff and all has been “top shelf” haha. What year did bars actually have “expensive liquor” on the Top Shelf. Bookmarked on iPod Touch and iPhone. And when I finally buy an iPad you will be bookmarked first. I am serious. Your “sharing words” made my morning.

    Please keep it up (no homo, lol). No homo is such an unintentional troll tag. You wouldn’t believe the replies people pm if written on Youtube comments. Haha. Read Staba Twitter posts to gain confidence when proclaiming,”That’s Gay!!!”

  3. Boom:

    Yes, haters …I fucked up on grammar and placed a period where a question mark was required.

  4. mad:

    lolololo this shit is so fukin true fuk gay ass longboarders man they think theyre so cool theyre fukin gay as fuck

  5. Westicle:

    Seriously? I longboard and skateboard, and started skating first. I can do tech tricks, stair sets, rails, etc. but I enjoy longboarding a shit ton more. Downhill riders are gnarly as fuck considering the speeds they reach and the falls they take. I agree there’s definitely been some longboarders I’ve met that are pretty fucking gay, but that equally goes for skateboarders. Talk about fruit booting or some shit… Do you think pool skating and surfing are gay too?

    I love this fucking site.. your writing is awesome, but longboarding is dope. Shit on something else.

    • Schmee:

      beat it fool. 2 stairs, ebay flat bars, and anti caspers dont count as ever being a skateboarder, thats something you tried, couldnt commit too, so you picked up the commercial alternative so you can still say you ride a board.

      • Brad:

        Commercial alternative… The fact that downhill longboarding is a smaller sport is one of the things that makes it so great. With skateboarding you have complete fag fucks such as Ryan Sheckler and commercial names like Tony Hawk. It is impossible to completely live off of winnings and sponsorship for longboarding. Sure there’s a ton of fags in longboarding, but with tech skateboarding being as popular as it is, its a natural beacon for fags looking to do whats cool… Skateboardings Skateboarding and people are people, always going to be douches that ruin shit.

        Everything aside the main post is fucking hilarious.

        • NatruallyBusty:

          Im sorry Ryan Sheckler is a sell out but is still better than you will ever be so please stfu.

      • Danny MacDeisels:

        and whoever you are street skating has been raped by corporate sponsors. downhill skateboarding is all community based. based god. wassup haters?!

        • Rock Steady:

          DANNY! “..all community based” get the fuck out of here. you actually think politics is what drives “regular” skaters to skate – as it seems to drive you to longboard, because it’s “community based”?

          And you use “rape” as a metaphor – which is inappropriate, weak, and makes you sound like a longboarding bro kook.

          And then you say “wassup haters?”, like you made a point. You def go shopping at the mall.

          And why do you think corporate sponsors are a bad thing, brad? Because you’ve listened to too much Green Day?

          And as for BRAD: Sheckler rips. why are you calling him a fag? And Tony Hawk is a hero. You clearly are a poseur who probably listened to Flo.Ri.Da and T-Pain back in the day

        • NatruallyBusty:

          To bad everything you pretty much use is made by a corp dipstick.

      • Bubbles:

        Lol, Longboarding is the commercial alternative to skateboarding? You should do a little research into who owns your favorite skateboard brand. And do they make more money off skateboards, or t-shirts and shoes sold to pre-teens and high schoolers. Longboarding is, for the most part, a smaller, less commercial, less corporate sport.

        Look before you leap fan boy.

    • jerald:

      Shut your mouth you pussy fuck

Leave a comment




website by dedleg