There comes a time in every man’s life when they inevitably ask themselves, “Am I a longboarder?” When this point comes, stop what you are doing. Don’t panic. It may have happened when you found yourself staring at the larger, bigger boarded people on the street, with their shirts off, sweat glistening in the sun. It may have began when you had urges to go faster while wearing tight leather pants and a hemet for “protection”. It may have happened after you stumbled upon gay porno. These feelings are natural, and it can be a very confusing time for a young person who might really be a longboarder.
To help you though this turbulent time, we here at Jenkem Magazine have put together a “Touch Your Inner Longboarder™,” questionnaire. If you check at least one of these off, you may be a longboarder.
1) Do I enjoy mallgrabbing the board more than actually riding it?
2) Do I like it longer and skinnier than shorter and fatter?
3) Did I try skateboarding? Was I terrible? Could I not ollie, do tricks, ride?
4) Does dressing in Oakley sunglasses, Element plaid shorts, flip flops and tight Hurley t-shirts that show off my ripped beach bod really express who I am?
5) When riding, do I tend to push my body forward and get on all fours for maximum speed? Do I rest my hands on my ass because it’s more aerodynamic?
6) Do I label myself as an adrenaline junkie? Would I participate in freerunning, cliffjumping or analsex to get other totally extreme rushes?
7) Does pushing Mongo and fingering my ass while masturbating feel natural to me?
8) Am I a hip 40+ year old yuppie dad thats “still got it?” Do I force my kids to follow me around with their Razor scooter as I shred the concrete waves of Long Island?
If you have shown any of these signs, don’t worry – your life is still worth living. You still have a great supportive community of rollerbladers, scooter kids and fudgepackers. Just remember, the hardest thing about longboarding is telling your parents you’re gay.